S.A.D.

 I’m fed up with life.  Moreso, I’m fed up with the fact that I can’t even do anything about it until this shitstorm of a semester is over.  Possibly not until the entire program is over.  And even moreso than that, I don’t understand why life hates me so much that it’s made it this difficult for me to do things that everyone else does with ease.  Why couldn’t I have just been a normal person?  My life would have been so amazing….my life wouldn’t have been wasted.  I wouldn’t be almost 30 now and alone and have wasted almost my entire life, so far.

Social anxiety disorder is probably one of the worst things, ever.  I don’t talk about it much, probably because I just wish it didn’t exist, and it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and less than human.  What’s even better is the fact that so many people don’t even believe it’s an actual medical issue.  And, even more don’t understand it at all.  And, they don’t understand its repercussions or how serious it is.

Imagine not being able to communicate your thoughts or express yourself.  Not just sometimes, but essentially, all of the time.  Some people…all they’ve got to get them by socially is being intelligent/witty/humorous.  But, what if that was taken away?  What if that was replaced by blankness, or that any words that came out were butchered, off-topic from what was intended, or difficult to understand?  The result is that you’re perceived differently by other people.  And, by different, I mean, typically not positively or negatively.  You’re just…nothing.  You have no personality.  There’s nothing to love about you, because you’re incapable of being an expressive person, on the outside.  You really are someone inside, but no one knows that, because you have an impediment that blocks any translation of that from your mind to your voice/body.  But, it’s not just that.  You’ve been this way since you were a toddler, so you were never able to develop normal human communication skills over decades of your life.  So, even when you are talking to someone you’re more comfortable with, you can’t speak fluently or with any kind of complexity.  And, because you can’t speak like other people, you feel inferior, like you’re still a child.  You feel like others look down on you, like it’s difficult to earn their respect, friendship or love, and like you easily bother others or are seen as odd/weird.

That’s one of many facets of how it fucks you up.

Then, there’s the embarrassment.  Well, since you act strangely since you’re incapable of being coherently communicative, (which, by the way, often leads you to close up or avoid things because you can only humiliate yourself so much before it’s too overwhelming), you feel like people are…I don’t know what word to use…intrigued by you in a bad way…like they’re watching your every move because you’re just so strange to them.  At the same time, you’re nothing to them, but in that moment, when you’re in their presence, they’re looking and wondering.  So, you feel self-conscious about every little thing you do, from walking, to putting food in your mouth, to brushing a piece of your hair aside with your fingers, to feeling like someone is watching precisely how your lips are moving while you’re talking and feeling like they’re thinking, "her mouth moves weirdly when she talks", or, "her smile is weird-looking".  I kid you not.  

Then, there’s the major impact of it all.  You’re lucky if you make a few friends…people who are actually willing to get to know you.  You’re not super close with anyone, because only people who are social and expressive develop those types of relationships.  You don’t experience the things kids typically experience during childhood and throughout adolescence and young adulthood.  You miss out on all of those things.  Once in a while, you hang out with the few friends you have, but usually, you’re at home alone.  You don’t discover new things and interests because you interact with people so little, and hell if you’re going to go out and do something all by yourself.  People will come up to you, and you’ll try to talk back to them, but will fail when the words come out, or when you can’t put words in your mouth at all.  People will pity you for being all alone, and then you’ll feel even worse about yourself.

Communication is the most critical thing human beings need in order to form relationships with other human beings and function in society.  You need to be able to interact in a positive way with other people in order to be happy.  People need human interaction….they just do.  They need to be liked by other people.  They need to know that people care about them and have positive things to say about who they are as people and want to spend time with them and act upon that in order to reinforce that.

When you don’t have that, your life is very lonely.  And, especially when, because you’ve missed out on life due to your condition, you never developed any talents/advantages, that makes it slightly difficult to think highly of yourself.  When relationships end because of it, that makes you feel even more shitty about yourself.  It makes you curse the existence of fucking social anxiety disorder.  It even makes you want to die, at times.

And, when people don’t understand what it’s like and what kind of hold it has on you, they say things like, "it seems like you’re not even trying."  

When I walk into a store and buy something, I’m trying.  When I say "hello" to someone, I’m trying.  When I go out to a social event, even though I’m terrified because I always socially flub and it pains me to ruin possible potential friendships, I’m trying.  My mere presence at any event is me trying.  I’m feeling uncomfortable, even at that level.  To do something more requires skill, and I haven’t developed the skill.  So, things will come out shitty.  That has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to or wish I could just do.  If you’ve never run in your life, someone can’t just tell you, "just go run a marathon," and you can then go do it.  When you take that first step outside and only manage to walk around the block rather than run a mile, that isn’t not trying.  It seems people don’t understand this correlation between physical skills and communicative skills, physical disorders and mental disorders.

No one knows who I am.  No one knows what I could have been if I could’ve done the things I’d wanted to do.  No one knows what kind of a person I am, even when they claim they do.  "Oh, you’re a great person".  Well, sure.  Lots of people tell other people that to make them feel better.  But, how much do they truly mean it?  Do they even know enough about me or have examples of instances as proof to back their opinions up?

Here’s a list of things I would’ve done if I’d never had SAD:

I would have joined more extracurricular activities in grade school.
I would havehad groups of friends I’d hang out with on a regular basis.  I’d have a lot more friends/close friends, overall.
I would have danced a lot more at events and not sat in corners being humiliated.  I would have gone out dancing.
I wouldn’t have quit orchestra.  Or, I may have joined band.
I would’ve joined choir, done theater, and played more music publicly.  I wouldn’t have only sang alone when no one else could hear.
I’d have gone out to karaoke.
I’d have been a leader and run for positions in clubs, etc..  Maybe even have started my own.
I’d have done lots of things for charitable events.
I’d have starred in all those fun videos people would make.
There would have been a plethora more photos.
I may not have done so shittily in high school and college because I would have been much happier.
I would have applied for a lot more internships, jobs, scholarships, etc. throughout college.
I would have gotten a lot more job experience.
I probably would have been married by now, or at least well on my way, and had an awesomely nerdy wedding.
I wouldn’t have been depressed and would have just…done so much more.  I’d have read more books, played more games, participated in more outside activities.  Just, everything.
I’d be able to be entertaining and sociable with people.
It’s possible I could’ve even made a career out of entertainment in some form.
I’d have aged less because I’d have experienced less stress.
I’d be fun and expressive on the outside, too.

It’s late, and I can’t think of anything else right now, but I know there’s more.

I don’t think anyone really understands how much of a toll it takes.  I feel like it’s taken years off of me.  It’s a lifetime of constant struggle.  And, when other things are mixed in with it, it can almost be unbearable at times.  The fact that I essentially don’t have family really makes things more difficult.  My parents are still alive, but they live far away and are difficult to get along with, and they don’t understand what I go through, either.  They’re with the "just do it" people.  I have an uncle and two cousins who I’m not close with, whatsoever, and they live far away, too.  I have no siblings.  I have no one else.  I envy all of the people who have families who they spend time with on a regular basis, who they have good relationships with and are all close with.  Most of the few friends I have have gotten married and are having kids.  They have their own lives now and don’t keep in contact with me anymore, or don’t have time to spend with me.  I’m slowly becoming more and more alone than I’ve ever been.  And, I’m currently in an educational program that’s incredibly stressful, on top of everything.  I don’t have days off, at this point.  I literally don’t.  And, what time I do have off is barely even enough to get through everything I need to.  And, I have no money.  Because of the vet school fiasco and this master’s program, I’m about $180,000 in debt.  I have no savings….they were all used up.  I won’t be receiving any loans in the summer because my department is a bit of an asshole and includes summer tuition with spring.  It’s like, way to fuck people over who are depending on loans for living expenses.

So, don’t tell me I’m not trying.  Don’t tell me it’s as easy as just going and doing it.  Don’t tell me that you know what I’m capable of and that I’ll get there, and then personally believe in that so little that you give up on me and leave.

I’m still alive.

I’m doing more than trying when I go to a show all by myself, because I have no one else to go with me, and hell if I’m going to let that get in the way.

I’m doing more than trying when I get up in front of a class of graduate students and professors, including the head of the department and department chair, and give a presentation about my research proposal and then stand there and be criticized by them, even if I had to type up a script to read off of in order to get through it.

I’m doing more than trying when I apply to a program knowing that I’m going to have to do those kinds of things.

I’m doing more than trying when I choose a career that requires leadership and communication and a lot of responsibility.

I’m doing more than trying when I meet the people I admire most, even though I totally fail, socially and have mouth diarrhea and it doesn’t go how I’d pictured it in my mind at all.

When you have this, those things are milestones.  There are people with cases just as severe as mine who don’t do any of those things.  They don’t even leave their homes and have to depend on others for everything.  Because, they’re just too afraid, of everything.

The fact that at this point, I would do some of the things I listed in my "would have" list, is groundbreaking, whether it means anything to anyone else or not.  And, I know it doesn’t to most.

It’s not that I didn’t want to do those things before.  It’s that I’m at a point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t do them.  

And, I can’t stand it.

P.S. – I will be anxious after posting this.