Vulcan death grip on my soul.*

I was going to join Pinterest tonight after it was brought up by someone in a Facebook post.  I’d been thinking about trying it out, so they sent me an invitation.  I still haven’t signed up.  The reason is, you’re required to sign up either through installing the Facebook app, or through Twitter.  I deleted Twitter a couple of months ago for my own emotional well-being, and it’s just too risky for me to make an account again, yet.  In fact, as much as I miss being able to connect with the people I used to follow there, I don’t really know if I’ll ever be able to go back.  Maybe in a few years, depending on how things go and how much my heart has healed by then.  So, that left me with Facebook, which normally would be fine, except it’s stated that if I choose that option, I’ll be forced to upgrade to Facebook Timeline.  Which I apparently can’t customize to NOT show anything from previous years.  Apparently, I’m forced to see "highlights" from those previous years whenever I look at my page, and that’s the last thing I need to see (what’s worse is that everyone is going to be forced to submit to Timeline sometime in the very near future, no matter what).  I’ve been managing alright with having eliminated or blocked the things I have, but even now, I’m no where near healed.  The pain is still there, and it still feels so fresh.  It amazes me that it’s almost been a year, and yet, it still hurts this much.  At this point, I fear seeing anything would reverse any of the progress I’ve made, sending me back to a place I can only describe as emotional hell.  That’s a place I strive to forget about, everyday, and I feel it’s sort of like one of those dreams where you’re trying to run from something terrifying, and some shadowy force is tugging on you, pulling you backward as you struggle, almost running in place.  And then, you just barely make it, or you wake up.  Except, I can’t seem to wake up from this gorram nightmare.  

How can one person have such a profound effect on someone?  I’ve just…never experienced this, before.  The Pinterest example may seem silly, but the point is more about the impact that things that have happened to me have had, overall, and how they’ve affected me so incredibly deeply that any reminder of the past is an emotional ticking bomb.  And, forget reminders of the present.  Fuck that noise, for sure.  It just frustrates me that I can’t just do things, how I have to limit myself, as a result, because…I just can’t.  I just can’t.

Edit:  I circumvented the issue by making a Twitter account, using it to make a Pinterest account, and then immediately deleting the Twitter account, since I learned I could just use my email to sign in.  I win.

Edit2:  I’m pretty sure I’m going to completely regret writing this by the time I wake up in the morning.  Also, I realize I may get comments about Facebook sucking, and that I should just delete it, etc.  I’ve thought about doing that, and who knows what I may have to do to when the new features are forced upon me, but, and, this may sound ridiculous, I need it, at least for the time being, and I have my reasons.  It’s a love/hate thing, really.