So Many Thoughts

Dear Diary,

For the past few weeks I’ve come here with plans to record the things that are going on in “my world”.  I end up reading….and thinking…sometimes noting…but no writing.  Back when I first came here, my intention was to write about the accident and about the loss of my daddy…the accident and daddy’s death were not really related…only in the sense that I mourned them both.  I struggled with writing and lost some entries due to inactivity.  I actually believe this is my third attempt at diary keeping.  But that’s not the point of this entry.

Life is busy and my day to day routine was not what I intended for this diary.  There was a brief period when recording my daily “adventures” helped with self discipline of my writing and I enjoyed it.  Then it seemed like some days it was just too hard to do.  That’s what the past two weeks have been…just too hard to do …do meaning the writing ofthose days.  Hard… because the emotions reeked havoc with my thought process.

Besides having a white Christmas here in southwest Texas, the holiday was extra special because there is a new baby in the family. Granted he is only 2 months old and could care less about the diapers he received from great-aunt Susie.  But wait ’till next year!  My big boys doted over him as if they were uncles instead of second cousins..proving titles don’t mean a dern thing.  I was looking so forward to keeping this precious baby for two days and nights while his mommy and daddy (my nephew), along with his grandparents (my sis and bro-n-law) and uncle (my nephew) traveled to New Orleans as a gift for the 30th wedding anniversary of sis and bro-n-law.  That I was selected to do this (over any of his mommy’s sisters or parents) meant so much to me. Unfortunately the trip had to be cancelled.  I was so disappointed but I know there will be other times so I will be patient.

Concern and heartache consumed me with the news of the devastation in Thailand and Sri Lanka. I asked my oldest to reconsider his planned trip to Thailand for reasons too many to list here.  He did reconsider…but he is going anyways.  His plans were to depart the 30th for San Francisco, spending time with friends before his actual flight on the 10th. A mix-up with airports required him to change his flight to the 31st, allowing him to spend one more night with us and helping us celebrate our 32nd anniversary.

Sambuca’s Jazz Cafe downtown was the destination…selected for their delicious food and the fact that they have live jazz 7 nights a week.  I wish my youngest had been able to join us but he didn’t make it home from Austin in time.  Believing (most of the time) that things happen for a reason, we shared a wonderful meal and good conversation.  At one point he asked me if I had spoken lately with Dorothy.  I said no and asked why.  He replied that I really ought to call her. Now Dorothy lives in New Jersey and we haven’t spoken in some time- a year or more- but if I called right now we’d pick up right where we left off. It’s that kind of friendship. She and Doc (her hubby) worked with me at the same high school. He was an associate principal. Their son and my son were best buds from 6th grade on. They were more than best buds – they were like twins.  But back to the call…I asked why…what’s going on with Dorothy??  I looked at him with questioning eyes and found him struggling as he shared that she has breast cancer.  I quickly avert my eyes in a feeble attempt to keep the tears from flowing but lost it all when I looked back to see his darling face begin to crumble in his own tears.  Cluthing his arm, reaching over for a hug, he kisses my cheek and apologizes for telling me now…not wanti ng to ruin the mood for the evening.   I assure him he didn’t do that.  How could he have when we just shared a most tender moment?  We dried our tears as the salads arrived and  continued to enjoy our time together.  A shared dessert of creme brulee was the “icing on the cake” as his eyes got as big as his smile with the first bite.   He left the next morning, with promises to call, to email and to return early when his business is finished.

And then there was this past week.  For some reason, I had not written down flight numbers with departure/arrival times before he left home.  My memory wasnt’ clear about the actual date but I knew I could call while he was still in the states.  On Friday I knew I had to tell him…but hated to make the call.  At 5:46 p.m. the phone rings and I recognize his cell number on caller id.  After the hellos, I told him I was glad that he called.  He replied that he felt he needed to…yes, you did I agreed.  He asked, “Is it grandma?”  “No, Baby..not grandma..but I have to tell you about Aunt E.M.”     “What’s going on?” he questioned.  “Oh, J. …she passed away early this morning”.  I struggled with the words as tears choked me up. Hearing his own cries made my pain even greater. Somehow I related the necessary details. Somehow he conveyed that he was so glad he saw her on Christmas Eve.  Somehow I assured him that grandma woud be okay. Somehow he assured me that he had friends close by and was not alone. Somehow we both assured each other that we were sharing a big warm hug in our thoughts.  Somehow I listened to his fears and reassured him that he could make the necessary decisions on this buying trip.  Somehow he shared his disappointment with the agreement between him and E. that they were in different places with their relationship and it was best to move on.

This past week…like the one before it…filled with…

…so many thoughts.

~Susie