Trauma

Dear Diary,

I’m posting my notes on trauma that I wrote after the first visit with the counselor on the 28th.  I shared them with him in the hopes that this additional information will provide him with more insight on the situation.

   “Tonight, you spoke of trauma – and the effects that a trauma may/will have on someone. That has been on my mind since we left your office. My thoughts are centered on two issues.

   While I realize that I don’t owe anyone any explanations or need to give any excuses (other than to perhaps myself), I’ve been thinking about WHY?  Why didn’t I pursue counseling after the accident? Why did I question some things and not follow through? I think part of my concern back then was to get back to normal – for R—’ sake. It was such a “battle” getting him to go back and have the day surgery for his thumb tendon that any more issues would have been even harder to deal with. And at the time, it seemed like everyone – but me – was getting on with life. I was worried sick. It was 7 years ago but some days it seems like it was just last week.

 

The other issue that I’ve been thinking about is that R— has faced trauma since the day he was born. 

• R was born with a cleft lip and had plastic surgery when he was 3 months old.  Yes, I was told that babies are so resilient. Yes, he probably handled it better than I did. (Is it possible to transfer issues with trauma to another person as in his to me or mine to him?)
• When he was a month old, his pediatrician heard a fast heartbeat during a routine exam. Amazingly, we left his office and went next door to the hospital where they did an EKG and had proof of super ventricular tachycardia. The following day was spent at Texas Children’s where he was monitored and tested by some of the best pedi-cardiologists available. It never happened again that day.  Concern existed over the fact that he would be having plastic surgery and had this heart “condition”.  Each specialist wanted the operation to be done in “their” hospital. It was done at Texas Children’s with the pedi-cardiologist in attendance and the plastic surgeon moving to that hospital to do the work.
• R— had a stuttering problem when he was around 3 years old.  I don’t remember when it started or when we noticed it.  But he received speech therapy from the time he was 4 years old until 4th or 5th grade.
• Through his childhood, we were aware that he could have other episodes of tachycardia but were advised to “let him grow and let him go”. On several occasions when he had an episode, he would have to stop whatever he was doing and rest. These were always reported to the doctor.
• In junior high, he had a particularly bad episode on the soccer field. After the game we met his doctor at the emergency room. During this visit it was made clear to R that the only way he would be allowed to continue to play soccer would be if he agreed to let the coach know when he had an episode and then leave the field- even if he was about to score a goal.
• He continued to have more frequent episodes during 8th grade.  We returned to Texas Children’s for testing. He wore a halter monitor. Nothing showed up. At that time, any treatment would have been invasive heart surgery.  We were advised not to do that if we were willing to continue doing what we had been doing (monitoring).
• During the 9th grade, he continued to have some episodes.  We were made aware of a new treatment for tachycardia that was non-invasive. Over the Christmas holidays, he had the procedure done.  It was considered day surgery. They went through the groin area up to his heart and did the ablation with radio waves. We brought him home, made him stay flat on his back most of the next day and forced him to take it easy the rest of the week. When he returned to school he began soccer practice. It was the first year that soccer was offered in our district and he was playing varsity as a freshman.
• The accident on January 22, 1997. So many things come to my mind – most were shared with you from my perspective. Some other thoughts that may or may not be helpful:

                  R did not want to be seen in a wheelchair or with a walker.  He “graduated  to a         cane very quickly and tried not to use it.

<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in”>          One night he was very sad – so sad that he ended up crying in my arms because he missed  his brother (who was in another town at the time). He made a comment about missing him and   what it would have been like if he had died.  I recall him saying to me…”I could have died…”.

          I found him one morning semi-slumped over the bathroom counter.  He had to sit in a chair  to do just about everything as he didn’t have the strength to stand very long. He asked me  how much weight  he lost while in the hospital and then made some comment about how  terrible his body looked. R— was very tall and slim (okay, skinny) during this time.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts with you.“

 

These notes were emailed to the counselor.  R will visit with him on Wednesday by himself.  I am proud of him for agreeing to do this.  I try not  to “beat myself up” for not doing this sooner.

 

~Susie