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Hey there, I feel like I have so much to write about. I haven’t even tried. It’s almost 4:30 in the morning and of course I’m still awake. I could sleep but I just don;t feel the need. I keep thinking about Thomas. I don;t know if I can trust him at all. after everything he’s done. from the lies to the drugs. I’ve tried so hard to get away from all that shit. I just don;t know. He is being different. showing me things instead of just telling me. how he loves me and wants all these things to happen. He even told me he wanted kids!! once we finish college and get settled. says he wants a life, with kids, marriage. with me! things i’ve wanted since I was ten. since I first saw him in the hall of highschool. I was 15 then. seems like forever ago, like it never happened. Maybe I should just give him another chance. Just to see. I guess if all else fails I can just walk away like I had planned to every other time I was heart broken. This time feels different. he feels sincere im just so scared of him changing. of him relapsing. I never exist when drugs are around. I dunno. He seems to have really kicked it this time. I know I have. after spending a year addicted to coke I feel so much better being clean. I feel cleaner. more focused on what really matters. Thomas is what matters. and our future together if he’s actually serious about it. He has gotten rid of everyone that I know of….which worries me. I worry so much. I hate it. and I over analyze things. Maybe I should go back to just letting things happen. I would love to. I need to learn how to let things go. It’s just so hard when I’ve been so badly hurt by everyone! My own father doesnt even give a shit why should other people. Classic case of poor little girl whos daddy doesn’t love her. It’s bullshit. I just want to be happy and not so guarded. If I can’t be open with Thomas after two years then either now is when i should start or there’s no point.