Well, lets start over…

I can’t believe I started this diary 7 years ago when I was in high school… as I read back on a few of my old entries I notice a whole lot of me is just the same. two degrees and a few years later, I’m just the grown more tamed version of the confused and scared kid that I was. I now have a bachelor in philosophy and a failed attempt at law school under my belt. I saw today that it made perfect sense that I studied philosophy, because as the confused little kid I was always searching for a true meaning to life. it also makes sense that I went forward into studying law because as the grown-up I can tell you "there was no real meaning to life" (not a satisfactory one anyway). I tried to make it so that I would use my logic and deduction skills in a trade, so that I would make a living. this decision had something to do with the fact that I was going to be married and wanted to provide for a family. contrary to all of my doubts about love, I finally fell for it and I was in love… (I may still be)… but, unlike all the storybook endings, death did not do us part. it was a whole lot of nothing and every bit of everything. people (my family included) drove us apart. I just had enough and so I just stopped calling. and she never called… not even once… I went 11000 miles to see her and she never called. after 2 years of me calling and worshiping her every word and she never called. she never called. she only called after I changed my facebook relationship status… isn’t that typical… and the call wasn’t about our relationship, it was about why I referred to her as a slave owner and said that I was "Free At Last". it amazes me how little my love mattered, how she never even thought to call, I was there for 20 days (my Christmas break) just to see her (the love of my life[sort of…]) and because she got mad and I didn’t call her to apologize like the million times before, she never even called… I never have the heart to say it out loud, but what a horrible person. I was in love with a self-involved, domineering mental case. the scum of the emotional earth. the know-nothing narcissist. I hope someday she understands the pain she put me through. so I came back home hoping for a new start and as luck would have it I’d get my chance at one, law school was unkind to me and the moment I returned from Christmas break I was informed by an adviser that I was academically dismissed. it was a relief really, I despised my professors and classmates, I just was not the lawyer type, I don’t have the wit or heart to get the job done… I was only going through with it because I assumed I’d need to feed a family of 4 or 5 soon (She wanted lots of kids). so the adviser tells me I look like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and its funny because at that moment it hit me… I’M FREE. something I worked toward for 2 years, a relationship that I hoped would be a life long commitment and a job that I would hate, but endured because I loved her and my kids… so now its been 6 months and I’m sitting at my parents house and trying my luck at something I think is worthwhile trying to fill out an application to join the Peace Corp. there is so much that goes into it. I’m now trying to get letters of recommendation, but I have had no jobs and no official volunteer experience… and for a 25 year old it seems insane, but I spent every summer back in my home country and spent the rest of the year in school minding my own… so really I’m afraid of the possibility that I’m not even good enough to do good (as in good for the sake of others). well I’ll get back to my life, which involves a lot of doing nothing right now. but I’ll come back soon.