My Addiction

Well, let me tell you. I am a compulsive shopper for sure. I feel so guilty now. Oh my. I went to Family Dollar again after work and spent my last like $40. Now I have to wait 2 days to get paid again. I really don’t trust myself at all with money anymore guys. I bought some more clothes at Family Dollar and then I came home and I had 3 packages of stuff that was delivered from the UPS man today that contained clothes! Oh my! I am so stupid. Seriously. Buying doesn’t make it any better. Only worse. I know that yet I still do it. I’m addicted. I need help. I made a few videos on it and put them on You Tube. I am so mad at myself. Counseling doesn’t seem to be helping me with the problem either. My counselor is aware of my problem, yes. I never realized how big of an issue this was until recently. I was in such denial. Didn’t want to face my reality. Was living a lie. I’m so scared now.

I’m a pretty dependant person when it comes to relationships. I am so needy. I thought today: Would it be too much to ask for some guy to call me everyday? Or even on a regular basis and to listen to EVERYTHING that’s on my mind? Honestly. I guess that I just don’t understand it. Maybe I AM really stupid.

On a better note, though, I am really trying to turn over a new leaf and focus on the positive in my life. I really do need to stop spending money. It’s just really hard to do that. I’ll go, like months, without spending and then it hits me again. This surge. This rush. It’s so selfish. You would think all the guilt and feelings of stupidity would be enough for me to stop this but they aren’t. Ugh! I really hate living like this. It needs to stop so badly. So I decided right now that I am going to make a conscious effort. Every effort in the world to be honest. I hate this.

Again, I feel defeated. Especially because of my addiction.