Stressed…A LONG, much needed update!

Last night I fell asleep at 6. I didn’t mean to. Not a good idea either because I had to fast (not eat anything) for 12 hours so I could get my blood drawn this morning. So I figured I would eat a lot and drink a lot before then. But I couldn’t do that. Anyway, I had dance class this morning and then I went to get my blood drawn. Had to wait half an hour! Wasn’t as bad as I expected. The only part that hurt was when theneedle went in. I didn’t even know that it was in! LOL! I’ve been worried about getting my blood drawn for years! HA! No biggie. She was really good at it too. But, ever since I got home, I’ve been having a hard time breathing. I don’t know why. It’s almost like a panic attack without the panic. I am so short of breathe. I think I know why. I will explain a few paragraphs down. It could be because of the medicine in my inhaler. My inhaler information said that you might have trouble breathing. My head hurts because of it. I need to calm down. Okay, Steph. It’s no big deal…..big deep breath in….big deep breath out. I wish I had a nebulizer…One would help right now. I looked at Kinney Drugs, expecting them to have one but they didn’t. Oh dear. My head hurts really bad. I may need to call 911 and get an oxygen mask….I think maybe it’s the results of the blood test coming back that I am so anxious about. The fact that I may have diabetes or some other serious health problem on top of what kind of health issues I am dealing with now.

Speaking of health concerns, I am bi-polar. Just found out from the counselor yesterday. Not good. If you look back to I think it was November of 2004, I wrote in here about wondering if I was bi-polar. I remember writing how I would never, ever tell anyone and that Im would never be diagnosed because I was too afraid. But I did talk about that and overcame that fear. I am so not in good health. Asthma, diabetes, bi-polarism (is that even a word???), depression, anxiety, panic attacks, panic disorder (I guess that’s the same thing), Avoidant personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder (I think anyway…I can’t sum up the courage to discuss that with my counselor….), etc. It’s not good.

I asked my counselor if I had OCD because I was watching that new show called "Obessed" and I only watched snips of it. There was there woman who was scared out of her mind to drive. Her counselor took her in his car and drove around with her as the passenger. She seemed okay. But the next time she was driving herself with her kids, she was freaking out. So I wondered if I had OCD. I looked online at the symptoms of OCD and one of them was something about reccuring stressful thoughts. And I have panic attacks when I think of driving. I realize it’s unreasonable. Well, actually, I have panic attacks when I think of a lot of things. Like needles. Anyway, I do wonder if I have it. I asked the counselor and she said that there has to be other symptoms of OCD with it in order for it to be OCD and she told me that I do have my spending addiction which is a part of OCD. So that’s something I have too…

Okay, so I have a really serious problem guys. I mean really serious. What is it you ask? I’m a compulsive shopper. Been what way ever since I was 18! I really need to get help. I am just starting to realize that now how big of a problem it is. I maxed out 5 credit cards in my life. I’ve been in such denial about my shopping too. I tell myself not to worry about it and that it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. It’s bigger than I am admitting to. I realize that now. After going this afternoon to an online Christians in Recovery 12 step meeting. The host asked what we wanted to be our topic for today. I said I needed help with my compulsive shopping. So the topic was Obessions and compulsive behaviors. I think it was God talking to me. Saying I needed to get help. It helped to talk about my addiction on there. To open up. Thank goodness I was able to remain anonymous too.

Oh, for SAZ, the lawyer emailed yesterday saying that it was the 2nd time asking for my budget schedule and mission statement. He said to give it to him by Monday. So that’s something else I have to do.

I looked on here and was reading my past entries from 2004 yesterday. Let me tell you, I am so glad that I don’t have to worry about stuff like that anymore. My debt. I was so open about it. I was like: "I owe Cingular $494 and Bank of America $24. I only have $30 in the bank." See what I mean about my compulsive shopping? I’ll go ito the store and it will be like a kid in a candy store. I have this feeling of excitement! I’ll stay in a store for a long time too. Like hours. And walk around and around. It’s stupid. It seems as though all of this stress and anxiety would be enough to make me stop spending the money but obviously it isn’t. I feel guilty afterwards. It seems as though that would be enough to stop too. It’s like, "You spent how much?! Why did I go there and spend so much money?! Now I feel so stupid." After getting my blood drawn today, I walked over to Kinney Drugs and got my prescription for the asthma inhaler and spent like 80 dollars and then I walked down to Family Dollar and spent like $150! I can’t believe I did that. I am so mad at myself. I buy things to fill a void. But it only fills the void temporary. God is the only one who can free me from this addiction and fill my void. I think I try to fill a void of lonliness.

What else do I have to update you on? Oh, I know. Okay, so there was this letter that came in the mail that was addressed to a family member. I’m not saying who either (to protect them and their privacy). But I thought that it was addressed to me and mistakenly opened it. Anyway, I found out some disturbing news. The letter was from a pharmacy. And it talked about refilling some prescription. I went online and typed the name of the prescription into Google and found out that it was an anti-physchotic! This shocked me. We went out as a family on Thursday to go out to eat and go shopping. This person, during that time, wasn’t all himself/herself. They barely spoke. So I thought it would be the perfect opportunity on Friday to text them and ask them if they were okay because they were so quiet on Thursday. They texted me back and said yes. I texted them back and told them that if they ever need anything, I am there for them. But it concerns me. A lot. I’ve been worried sick about it. This certain drug (and I am not going to say the name of the drug either) is for treating schizophrenia and biploar disorder. I don’t know how else to approach this person about this. They are really emotional. Oh dear.

I am so worried about the results of my blood test. I know that I shouldn’t be. But I am. I have to see an asthma and allergy specialist on July 1st. I am going to go to work that day and then walk to the doctors and then walk back to work. I’m already taking too much time off to take the whole day off. And I’m taking the next day off from work too. So, whatever.

Tonight is my social phobia meeting over the phone. I am going to record it. I recorded it last time. I uploaded it to You Tube. I will do the same with this one. For those who care and are interested.

For going to bed at 6, I am so tired. I don’t know why either. <

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Sorry this is so long. I felt lonely and the need to talk to someone about my problems. I am out of my mind.