MY DEEP THOUGHTS REVEALED!

Well it took a lot of courage but I managed to say good morning to Jay again today and that was it. Oh boy! Let me tell you! I was so proud of myself. Last night I sat by my computer listening to Teddy Geiger’s "For You I Will" and in parathesis after the song it said confidence. Obviously something I lack. The song says, "muster every ounce of confidence. For you I will…." So I applied that to today. And I thought, He (Jay) already accepts me for who I am and obviously thinks that I am attractive….so why not play off of that? What am I trying to prove here if he accepts me? I don’t have to be afraid of rejection in this situation. He must have walked down the hallway what seemed like a million times this morning and every time he passed me, I would look into his eyes and smile. Just like the internet search told me to do! Ha! Then, when he was in the dining hall, I saw him through the glass window pane in the door and he would keep staring at me. I would again look in his eyes and smile. The whole time I’m sure I was blushing. Oh well. I was so nervous before all this. So nervous. I flew down the service hallway to get there at quarter of and I thought I had plenty of time except when I saw his supervisor there. I thought oh no. I waited. And waited. Until I saw Jay pull in. Why do I hold back? I don’t know….I guess that I’m not ready to fight. Maybe I’m having trouble accepting myself and therefore believe that other people won’t accept me if I don’t accept myself? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s because I base the future on the past and I think of Justin? I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I had the Boston conversation with him. But think about this….I’ve been thinking of it….tomorrow is not really guaranteed, right? So, then, why am I taking this opportunity for granted? What am I afraid of?

There’s this really positive woman at work. She works in the medical records department. Something stuck me today. I was in her office, cleaning and I saw, right in front of my fat face, a poem. It was about how life was too short to regret anything. I wanted to copy the paper, but it was taped so tightly to the wall. I need that poem to go on my wall of inspiration in my bedroom and one other copy to go into my locker at work.

So, there you have it my friends. I am holding back. This is soooo interesting to me. Like I said before, I ‘ve been meditating, right? Well, I found out online that meditation reveals your inner self and through it you can find a deeper part of you. The subconscious mind holds a lot of strong emotion towards past events. Even if you don’t remember them. I believe I base the future on the past and that is wrong but it’s what I do. I want to change that. Change for the better, right? I am focusing on that.I think about all this….and think "no wonder I’m so affected by the past. A lot has happened and I’ve basically suppressed a lot (if not all) of those emotions. I’ve kept them to myself. That’s a reason why I need to have counseling. It will break the stress and anxiety and help me to have hope for the future. I’m damaged.

I really need to talk to Jay more in depth tomorrow. It will either make me or break me. I discovered today how much I really want to have him in my life. I’m almost to the point of tears now as to how much anxiety I’ve been under. And because this is so difficult for me when it shouldn’t be. I majorly need help. I also, on the other hand, think that everyday is a new beginning, an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. But…I don’t know. Time is running short. Pretty soon it’s going to be too late. The worker men will be long gone and I may never see Jay again. Just like Justin. So, I HAVE to get more involved here. That means working as hard as I possibly can! NO EXCUSES!

I made a bunch of video diary entries about this whole stupid Jay situation. Last night. Again, I need to be more open and honest with people and suppressing emotions doesn’t allow me to do that. That being said, I need to play on this whole Jay situation.

This whole situation is so complicated. Couple more things that happened today. I gave Bryan those ties. I put them in a plastic bag and then I added a post it note to it: BRYAN’S TIES and it had a smiley face on it too! I put it in the men’s room, right next to his locker. He came in and asked what it was and I said "Who did that?" LOL! He liked the ties. I would have just handed them to him but I didn’t want Jay to be jealous or whatever. The other day, I was talking to Bryan about the ties when Jay walked down the hallway and I wanted to say hi to Jay but I was talking to Bryan! Anyway, that’s that. Also, I was standing at my cart just waiting for Jay when Traci came down the hallway carrying a bag of trash that she wanted to put outside. When what do you know, Jay holds the door open for her and she says thanks to him. Jay says something like "I always do that!" I thought: What a sweetheart!! And, in that moment, I wish I had been the one carrying the trash bag. Oh well. At least he’s a gentleman, right?

Maybe I’m just over-analyzing…I don’t know. I wish I had all the answers. I’m probably going to go crazy thinking about all of this junk tonight before bed. AHHHHH! It’s like living in a nightmare. It kills me. I also realized today that I need to stop letting my emotions rule my life and let myself rule my emotions if that makes sense….Goodness, I hope so! LOL!

A lot has been on my mind. My head has been spinning with one thought after another. Just on and on. This constant battle. Just give it a rest, Steph! STOP! LOL!  Oh yeah, and Jay answered hey to me this morning and then when I saw him again this afternoon in the service hallway I said hey to him! LOL! It’s a BIG deal to me!

Love Always,

~Steph~