Tug-O-War!!

 Okay.  

Everyone wants something different out of me.  My mother wants me to be this thing and do this thing and do that while I’m doing it.  My father wants me to be this thing while doing this thing.  My boyfriend thinks I should do this thing while not saying that thing.

I have had it.  I am 24 years old and have no idea what I want.  

I am 24 years old and I have no idea what to do about it. 

I’ve begun making a sort of life for myself out here in California. There are some cool people and I’m trying to be more social but… I hate the location.  

I live with my boyfriend which needs to change.  
We have grown up and grown apart.  The love is still there but when we have conversations nowadays they are in regards to nothing BOTH of us are interested in. 

In order to know myself and whatever it is I WANT out of life, I believe I need to live by myself.  (Kelly already doesn’t understand this.)

I can’t live on my own in North Hollywood.  It’s too expensive and too stressful.  

So where do I go? 

I have an idea that I might want to go to college but… that’s years and years of time and debt I  have to commit to.  I have an idea I want to join the Air Force (it would at least help me out with paying for my schooling).  But I can’t figure it out until I know what I want.  
I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT UNTIL EVERYONE STOPS TELLING ME WHAT THEY WANT OUT OF ME.  And that takes time; I’m already unhappy.

It’s just so incredibly frustrating.  

I have options, of course.  I can transfer my Starbucks job anywhere in the United States and start a  new life but… I hate Starbucks.  I don’t think I would be happy still working for Starbucks.  The only thing that has made me happy is teaching dance.  

If I want to teach dance, I can go back to Austin, Texas and teach.  I will work at Starbucks and teach dance and I can afford to live by myself.  I don’t want to live with my parents; that’s a relationship I do not want to go back to.   Maybe, if my brother is feeling generous…. I can live in his house for a while.  He’s deployed in Afghanistan so it’s not like he or anyone else is taking care of his house for the next few months to a year.  It would be a lot of commuting but it would be possible as I more than likely wouldn’t have to pay rent.

I just need time to THINK.  I need time to BE.  
I understand I will not solve my life’s mystery in a year but I don’t know what my hobbies are.  I’m enjoying deciding what tv shows to watch that I like.  I just need to start at the beginning I guess.

I feel like my boyfriend is going to hate me.  But I think I finally understand that you have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with someone else. 

Otherwise, you’re never sure who you are.

Ugh.  

-INMATE-