Sunflowers

I am weepy.  Sleep would be a good relief but when I lay down, I become weepy.  If I watch tv, I become weepy.  If I try to do our chores, I weep.

Tomorrow my boyfriend has a meeting with the Air Force Recruiter to begin his enlistment.
First off, I want to make perfectly clear that I am happy for him.  Since his departure from the USMC he hasn’t really been happy.  Content yes, he has a hella amazing job with Warner Brothers that pays VERY well but he isn’t truly happy.

So it is time for him to move on.

Me, however… it is not time for me and I know this in my heart.  My place is in California for now, my place is within dance.  I would like to leave but I would be unhappy… it is not my time yet to move on. 

He has been talking about the Air Force for a while but not once has he asked me what I would like to do.  What I thought about him joining.  If I would go with him, if I would stay in California.  We have lived together for two years, dated for four years, best friends for six and friends for ten.  You would think our relationship is strong and deep enough to where he would care enough about US to ask any one of those questions.  But he has not asked me. 
He is back in the mood of not hugging or kissing or even looking at me when he says I love you.

It is time for us to move our separate ways.
This does not mean that we do not love each other, that we will not be best friends.  But I think we need time apart to grow and to live.  He needs to be happy in his career, he needs to grow within the Air Force and find some good, supportive friends.  I need to forge my own, very different career and grow here in LA.  We have separate paths and I think we might be stifled together.

Today he finally asked, "Why are you pouty?"  (AKA "What’s wrong?") 
I said, "I’m very happy you’re going into the Air Force.  It is about time and I am excited for you.  But I don’t think I’m ready to leave with you yet."  
He said (though without looking at me), "That’s okay.  You don’t have to."
"I don’t want to stay in this apartment when you leave.  It’s a bad apartment, a bad area, and we don’t need to pay for anything more than a studio if it’s just me and our cat."
In the past, there was some talk of a marriage license to receive benefits from the AF; this time, there is none.  "It’s okay.  I’ll be getting paid significantly more in the AF.  Wait for me to get two months of pay and you can move out to a much better area; I’ll still split rent with you 50/50.  Have my security friends help you move our stuff."

He means the world to me and I feel like the world is pulling us in different directions.  This is terrifying. 

It just feels like it’s the beginning of the end to mark the beginning of a new chapter.  Perhaps that doesn’t make sense.
I’m weepy as I write this.

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