The fork (spork) in the road.

Living in North Hollywood is the pits. 

Dance isn’t working out for me the way it’s supposed to and… I guess if I really think about it, in my long life run if I don’t wind up as a world famous dancer… I will be okay.  I’ll never abandon dance completely, it’s still a big part of me. 
It’s just REALLY, REALLY expensive taking classes here (even just living) and I think I’m honestly just burning out spending all my extra money in classes and NOTHING else.  …I still wear mostly hand-me-downs.

My mother’s told me that I’m wasting my life and my dad thinks I owe him for giving me life.  No support there. 

God knows what my boyfriend thinks because we’ve developed a communication issue so thick it’s tangible.  It’s so tangible it’s leapt inbetween our sex life.  *over-dramatic gasp*
I’ve gotta learn to think for myself and I’m continually getting better in that aspect.

However, I’m finding it difficult to make time to find myself.  I haven’t had quite the time to be a teenager or young adult and muddle around in life.  I went from my parents where I paid rent as a teen and worked one-four jobs to LA with my boyfriend and taking care of a household.  He does little but he’s a boy… it’s kind of to be expected but sometimes it really wears me down cleaning the dirty dishes off the living room floor.. 
Come on, I’m the one waking up at 0345 five days a week to work at a job I absolutely despise.  When I’m supposed to be in this city for my stardom and adventure. 

I’ve found basically nothing here, not even any great friends.  However, I may not be looking because I’m looking for something else.  I think I’m focused on looking for that career, that path to make me happy in life.

I’m sitting here in the library (typing this on a brand new computer!) about to embark on my next mission.  I plan to find all the small gyms around and bring in my resume.  I’d like to start some fitness classes, maybe dance cardio.  I’ve taught some pilates, some boot camps, some aerobics, some hip hop cardio and of course all styles of dance.  I should be able to make a part time living off of teaching classes like that.  Everyone’s concerned about fitness in LA.  Well, except for where I live.  Poor people usually don’t care.

I feel dance slipping from my grasp and it makes me want to squeeze harder, to not lose that which has given me hope through the hardships of my life. 
But I am also striving to understand that (not only will I not completely shut the door- in fact, I plan to meld my three favorite things.  Teaching, fitness, and dance) closing that door does not mean my mother is right (That I’m wasting my life).  Closing that door does not mean that I have failed in Los Angeles. 
Except… it truly does feel that way.  I have talent and should use it.  But who is that talking?  Is that me? My parents?  I’ve no idea. 

I have to sort through this relatively quickly because my boyfriend is planning on rejoining the military.  We will move from Los Angeles to some unknown place (and I have to be at peace with leaving the dance scene here so I don’t blame it on him even subconsciously later in life).
He says we’ll have plenty of money to send me back to LA whenever I need (and I believe him).  Fitness I can take with me wherever I go.  Maybe I can still open my dance studio later on in life but right now we’ve agreed that financially we’ll be set if he joins the military.  It’s a job he’ll like with people he’ll relate to.
I just have to make sure I’m ready to move on.  Also, that he’s the person I want to move on with.  We’ve made it very far in life so far.  The biggest issue we have is communication.  That and the stress of barely making it financially and both of us living unfruitful career paths in a city we pretty much despise… that makes us testy. 

I’m also learning how to have hobbies.  I like cooking.  Tonight I’m making baked penne with sausage cooked in wine.  However, I am told that chili is my specialty.  I’ve taken up running again.  I want to volunteer at an animal shelter the first moment I have a semi-permanent location.  I wrote my first story in years last week.  I’ve returned to reading.  And my new project is replacing the speakers that I blew in the trunk of my little Cavalier.  It’s amazing what I can do if I put my mind to it.  I dove into my car innards the other day and fixed a Check Engine light.

Sometimes though it seems that I cannot escape the pressures of life enough to make a difference in where my life is heading. 

I try to avoid my parents.  It hurts but everytime I call them, my Mom puts me back down in the dumps again.  I left a cat with them, and they can’t figure out why she keeps peeing all over the floor.  My parents can’t even take care of a cat.

Speaking of which, Kelly and I adopted a kitten.  She’s 9 months old now and her name iis Chevy.  She follows me around the house when she’s not curled up on my pillow.  She’s a lifesaver…  She’s helped me to manage being alone in an apartment after a vicious separation from overbearing/overprotective parents in a city I don’t like far, far from one of my biggest loves (the state of Texas) and any of my friends.  When I come home from a day of work she runs to the door and flomps on my feet with a purr like, well, an muscled Chevrolet.   

I think right now, all I really want is a job that I like.  I think I deserve that.  But maybe not.

*Shrug*  Progress is being made but it’s slow and painful. 

Anyway.  Cheers.  I need to get started on some more job hunting  🙂

_Inmate_