Vociferous relationship rant.

I realize now that I suffer when in a relationship.  I am just happier single or maybe even friends with benefits.
When I say this next thing, I don’t mean it in an egotistical, selfish way even though it might sound like it…
But when I become friends with a guy they have a tendency to like me.  When they like me, they go out of their way for me and I begin to like them.  Then, WHAM, they up and want to marry me and love me and can’t let me out of their sight.  There’s very little time to chill out and be friends and just mess around. 
I’m way too independent for clingy emotional shit and on top of that, I’m not ready for a serious relationship.  (I don’t mean I want to play anyone, far from it.  I will NEVER cheat on any guy I’m dating.)
And that’s just fact. 
What’s worse, is suddenly I’m in this relationship (never mind how strong my feelings are) that has progressed WAY too far and is way too deep for my liking.  What to do?  Once I know the other person feels this way, it’s hard to ignore. 
And I hate, HATE HATE HATE letting people down and breaking hearts.  I HATE it and I HATE making anyone cry (especially since I know it’s all my fault).  Some of the worst experiences of my life run along that line.  That’s why I usually end up just cutting myself off and being an asshole, so that it is easier for the guy to get over me.
Gezis.  This sounds so bad.

So now I’m suffering in this relationship with Kelly. 
I really do love Kelly.  There’s no doubt about that.  There’s no doubt he loves me.  But I just feel so… stuck.  Stifled.  I feel like a horrible, horrible person, actually. 
And I can’t bear to talk to him right now because I do feel this way.  I know I should probably talk to him about it but he is so fragile right now. 
That’s something else.  I, personally, am so weak right now… I’m having a hard enough time trying to stay positive without him dragging me down.  And I know it’s horrible to say all this and it only gets worse. 
I’ve always dreamed of going with someone athletic.  Someone to work out with, someone to walk with, HELL, someone to have midnight krump contests with (being active IS my whole life)!  Kelly ain’t gonna do that for me and it isn’t his fault his left leg alternates between complete numbness and unbearable pain.
He hates everything about his life (except for me) at the moment and while he may try to be positive at times, I always know that on the inside he wishes he were dead and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m scared I’m the only reason he’s still on this Earth, actually. 
I mean, I’m always going to be here for him, no matter what (he is my homie on top of it all) but… I don’t know if I can be with him.

I’m just so stuck.  I don’t know what to do.  All I know is I’m unhappy. 
And what makes me furious, is that I KNEW this would happen.  That’s why I lost my shit that night I admitted to Kelly that I loved him.  I KNEW I would end up here.  I KNEW it.  And yet I did it anyway because I wasn’t sure what that panicky feeling was…  : (

So, why can’t I take a day off…?
For real.  I’m not getting ANYTHING done today.  I am just completely and utterly emotionally spent.
And my eating disorder is getting worse again.
FUCK.

INMATE

Wearing::  Rolled up black jazz pants, black sports bra and camo FBI t-shirt with the entire back cut out.
Feeling::  I can’t even describe it.  Just… blah, I guess.  Blank.  Empty.
Drinking::  Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Pepsi.  I think.  I’m not entirely sure, lol.
Listening to::  ‘Bury Them All’  Twiztid

And I definitely just busted my left shoulder. 
Can we say Ouch…?

My stereo broke at home, too.  NO bueno.  I don’t know how I’m gonna survive.  Wow.