That Fine Line.

I don’t know if you’ve had the kind of life where you can look back… and think, ‘Wow… I was so close to going over the edge.’  I’ve been commitable for a few years.  Well, I was.  But I never knew it, and no one put me in.  I don’t know how I made it out, honestly.  I think i’ts a miracle.  For months, years, even, I never knew something was horribly wrong.  Thigns felt off, yes, but everytime I tried to talk about it, it was just because I was a teenager.  So I didn’t know things were getting so bad until it was almost too late… and no one still believed me.  But I knew there was an issue, and I also knew that this was 1/2 recovery.  And then… I went through stages.  I would try so hard to get out of my mental state, I would try so hard… and hten it would blow up in my fucking face and I would be setback to the very beginning.  But I kept fighting for a year or so after that.  Two years even.  Even know, sometimes I have setbacks, but… they’re not as bad.  They’re bearable.  But what broke the line?  What broke the initial line into insanity for me… what broke the line into knowledge?  And what broke the line into peace?  I don’t know if I will ever know… it’s just another question added to my list.  I have so many things I want to know, but I’m not sure they really matter.  Everything matters when it’s dumped into your lap, I guess.  If it was in someone else’s, I would probably say that shit in the past doesn’t matter.  And I truly believe that… to a point.  Memories haunt, and they always will.  This is part of our existence, part of what makes us who we are.  And they can be beautiful.  Something that happened a few years ago can still come to kill you.  There’s no doubt.  But one cannot  allow past incidents to rule their lives in the present.  I hope I’ve been a demonstration of this, but sometimes it’s difficult.  I have had… such a rocky past.  It’s been tough, to look past what I was and concentrate on who I am and who I will be.  But I have proved it is possible.  I have coome a long, incredible way with the help of a few special people and the determination of a woodpecker. 

Will all of these questions haunt me like memories?  Am I going to have to force myself to ignore questions of the past and instead focus on questions of the future?  Or will the questions of the past decide the questions of the future, a chain reaction that you can only decipher in chronological order?  I guess this is all pointless, questioning, I mean.  Pointless, because in the time I take to discuss this and sort through this, I could have searched for an answer within myself, to answer the questions of the present, and thus decide for the past, and for the future.

-Inmate-