Its me again…nothing has changed

I am here at home…alone. No Kurtys, no family, no one. But I am not sad this time. I guess its something I am getting use to. After 26, soon 27, long years, I guess its just something you just get use to. Kurtys contact me one day, tellin me he and his wife split. That he had just got back together for his daughter to see if it could work one last time. Yeah, his daughter. I wish I had a daughter with him. She would probably be the cutest little girl. I don’t know why I care about Kurtys. But when there is no one, you care about anyone who shows you a little attention. The thing is I know I probably should never see him again. But this lonliness got me feeling so bad, all I can do is think about him. I hate feeling like this! I always imagine how it would feel to be in  a relationship for once. Imagine….thats all I do is imagine.  You know sometimes when I look at the pics of his daughter, I can’t help but wish that was me, I met him first……I guess that’s just life, for me anyways….Sometimes when people call me pretty, I wonder what they see, cause I don;t see it. Cause if I was then I surely wouldn’t have this problem. It surely wouldn’t be this hard for me….to find someone to like me, want to be with me, to love me…

I once liked a guy, his name was Yohannas. I think he may have liked me, Then he saw my friend Jovanne, it was over then….I was fustrated at the time because Jovanne already had a boyfriend, and me with no one and she was flirting for Yonnie’s attention…why when she already had a boyfriend I use to think…wasn’t I pretty enough too…I guess not

I’m tired of being in different, sad, fustrated, angry, lonely, hurt…I just want to be happy for once. I just want to have someone for once… 

All these entries all end the same…ends with being tired and lonely…Well, I’ve been tired and lonely for the last 4-5 years…If there’s no end in sight, maybe then I can finally get use to it and stop hoping….looking, wondering for something to change everyday