Now that I have it..

The only reason why he is with me is because he’s afraid of tryng to go and find someone else. I hate that he blames me for everything. It’s all my fault all the time. He forgets to call or make plans and it’s due to me! He is the worst decision I’ve ever made! But I have resolved myself to it and when I leave, it’ll be all over. I will let whatever it is he claims he feels for me fade. He’s made because I won’t go to the schools he wants me to. I’m happy with the places I chose. I don’t want a place due to it’s name. I write my own story and blaze my own trail. Those schools are popular because of who they turned out and who knows, maybe I’ll put a no name school on the map. At this point, I no longer care if I get married or not. Marriage is overrated anyway. SO I let him into my journal a tad. I didn’t tell him everything but I finally did get the sex thing off. We have spent two times together where there was no sex and that does make me feel good but I still feel that it takes more than that. I’m not getting what I need from him and yet I’m to comply to his wants and needs.  no longer will and do. Why do I need to try when he only does when I’m breaking up with him?!!? I’m a visual person and I need to see. I NEED TO SEE!!!!!! You need to be touched and that’s great but what about me? Physical isn’t enough and after what happened this past Thursday, I’m not sure of myself and sex at all. We decided to come back and work out to my belly dancing dvds and he spends a half hour commenting on how gorgeous and sexy a specific dancer was and after the like millionth time I turned around and said I get it Nate! She’s fucking hot!!!! His response wasn’t sorry or I apologize, it was I need more confidence. Well let’s examine that for a tad. Here I am 200lbs and everything you flirt with and comment on in MY face is the exact OPPOSITE of me! SO who are you thinking about during sex then?!?!?! Even after I asked hm to stop he continued to keep commenting so  threw the dvds away. I don’t even want to workout to them anymore. My goal was never to look like them. I was so happy with who I was and I never had a problem with getting guys or how I felt but everysince I got with him, I saw my self-esteem go to nothing. I didn’t have that much to begin with and the little I do have is gone. I’m not even attracted to him anymore. He tried to have sex with me and I just couldn’t. I don’t feel it anymore. I just kept making making marks in my mind on all he’s done and said and it reached that level. I might not be the type to bring it up right then and there but when I’m done, I’m done. Then he let’s his dad read my intimate emails! I wrote those to you in confidence and then you tell me they make no sense! NO SENSE!!! WTF! I don’t even feel sexy anymore. I don’t feel worthy of sex not just with him but with anyone. I just don’t feel like myself anymore.