Then it hits me.

I realize why I can’t find the love I so desperately want….. It’s not for me. Not everyone is supposed to wind up with a happily ever after. I’m one of those. There is no Marc or Mat or J for me. All there is are guys who use me for a sperm receptor and take me for granted. I don’t deserve to have a just because given to me or any of that romantic stuff. All I am worth is sex. No marriage and family for me. No inlaws who have me over and cook. Just HP and the fuc….. ADHD or whatever he claims to have. As soon as I accept that, life will be easier. I was so convinced that there was more to life than where I saw myself going and worked to get there. You can’t fight fate. No matter how far or fast you run, what is for you is for you. I just wanted to have shown to me what I give to them. I love like that. Is that wrong? Why is it so hard for me to find? Because I don’t deserve it. Who cares if he only calls when he wants some or when he wants hs friends to hang out on what is suppose to be our day or forgetting special dates and giving crappy gifts you hate or never retuirng your emalis but fuc…. playing on facebook all day and he never pays attenton to you and everything is your fault cuz he forgot and says you’re the one who told him to stop and you never did or blaming you why you never go out or making you pay for the dates cuz he loudly embarasses you about how broke he is and wants to itemize eveything on the bill cuz ice tea is 2.59 a glass and not 1.99 like the fountain drinks or he never follows through on what he plans as a date and blames you for not wanting to go because he never specified a time of day or he has no gentleman bone in his body and that’s your fault too or never finishing what he starts or follows through on his own promises or disses me behind my back to our friends when he thnks I’m not listening or always yelling at me cuz he thinks he knows everything and he doesn’t and gets even more mad when I’m right. I am so unhappy with him and he doesn’t care and I don’t have the strength to leave because his type is all I wind up with. I get what I am worth and that is all I’m worth. It’s not about me or how I feel or how he makes me feel. My job has always been to provide pleasure to the opposite sex while denying myself. I can do no better. I can do no better. That is all I deserve. I am just going to accept it and hope for death to be quick and painless. He has sucked all the life and joy I once had from me. After dozens of failed relationships, I finally get it. It finally hit me.