If anyone knows here I’ve been, let me know!!!

WOW!!! Welcome back me! I have been doing a lot since my last entry. It’s all on paper cuz well, I thought a more intimate setting was needed… yeah right! I just got lazy and kept meaning to but just didn’t. I guess I forgot how much fun it was to write. SO ready to get caught up? It iwll take awhile so grab a chair! I finished up another semester and another romance but this one got me. I fell for it all. We were going to get married and my dumbass went for it- despite his age (21) and the more I think about it, I was a place holder which was fine. I was cheating on him anyway! Never hurts to have a backup plan right? So he dumps me and I rebound with a quagmire and not the one Seth plays!. He is….. he is the love of my life actually and I can confess to being in love with him. At first I found him to be a narssisstic, know it all who spouted off usless knolwedge to feel superior to everyone and to flaunt his intellect to people who’d rather see him hit by a truck than sit in a classroom next to him. Yeah, he’s that bad! Then on 10-01-08 he corners me in the library on my way to class and he kisses me. Now granted yes he had been trying for a LONG time since like April but I disregarded him as a horny dog but that kiss that day made me take a step back and wonder. How could such an ass kiss so passionately? I felt so much intensity in it that I spent the next 3 hours thinking about it and him. It was the start of something beautiful for me and yes even strange. 5 months later, people still ask me what do I see in him and why am I dating him and I reply there is a side to him that no one see but me. He is not as bad as people thinks he is. In fact he’s sweet, passionate, intelligent,  funny, caring and a nice guy. Why he comes off as self-centered, IDK. He has consumed many pages in my paper diary. I struggle with my feelings for him due to his age and other things. How do you tell someone they suck at oral? I digress…. SO everytime I get with him, it seems we have sex. Problem for me? No I was in a dry spell anyway but it made me feel like that’s all I was to him. Granted it’s good, the best I have but it made me feel well cheap. He wasn’t much for cuddling but talking was another thng. He would talk and talk! I’m like can we get a little closer and just relish in what we’ve just done? OMG! Our first time together, he goes through his family photos!!!!! WTF???? He shows me hours of photos and I’m like I just want to be held and go to sleep! So I fall for him and it hits me. I found out he has a problem and it affects his daily life and relationships and it could explain why sometimes he can be an ass towards me. After my discovery, I chose to stay. He has the potential for goodness in him I believe. I feel so much from him when we’re together. It’s intense to say the least. I don’t doubt he loves me at all. SO here I am. if you have’t figured out who he is yet it, it’s Nate. The very Nate I reported to be getting hit in the balls if he touchs me again! I’m in freaking love with him! I never thought I’d see it either. I feel so much from him it’s maddening! Which leads me to yesterday. We go out and he’s not paying attention to me. Naturally, I get hurt. No honestly that’s second. I spoke with a friend who just broke up with his gf and he was telling me what he did with his girl and I started thinking, I want what he gave her. Jer really cared for that girl and I wanted what he gave her from Nate but realizing that it might not happen, I got a tad depressed. I was like why can’t I find that. SO we get to the alley and Nate is playing a game and doesn’t even so much as say hi. When he does it’s after the game is over. I hate bowling but I only went to spend time with him. Come to find out, his mom and stepdad were to join us and I was like cool. So I finally just got fed up with him ignoring me and flirting with random women. It was just getting to be too much! So I  finally let go. I told him I’m tired of you flirting with women and saying how cute they are in front of me. It’s hurtful and just plain rude. He says ok. I mean I know he already thinks I’m fat. He’s told me so. Despite the weight I’ve lost. Which thanks to Jer’s mom he was able to see that it was true since he likes to comment on my weight. I was fine with being cute in the face and thick in the waist. I’m not fat at all. I’m 220 but short so I guess it makes me look fat. We weight the same but he’ s like 6’2” so he looks smaller.  I like his thickness though! I love having something to hold on to. I was depressed for days we he called me fat. He thinks it doesn’t hurt me but it does. So I just embarked on this diet of purging and I got these great new pills too. By my b-day he will not be able to call me that! Now here I am. I want to be with him, I really do but it seems like his bio mom won’t see that and gather that with his other baggage. She is a total bitch. She demeanded him so badly in front of me it hurt. I had to say babe just listen to your mom babe. You can come over later. She seems like she’s bipolar to me quite frankly. My poor Harry Potter!  He said he had it bad but I never suspected it was as bad as that! I want to help him but I know inside I’ll just be making him a better man for someone else plus if I give him any support in anyway to stand up for himself that his parents will hate me! It’s bad enough now that he’s dating out of his race and etc but to make him defy 20 years of doing as she said will be the end! I just know they think I’m a bad influence on him and he had the nerve to shh me when I’m trying to help him. How can I sit there and watch him humilate himself but I bet I will next time. Let your balls get crushed in front of me! Aren’t you tired of being like put down infront of me? I mean by like everyone?!?!?! I find it so mortifing especially when it happens infront of your girlfriend! I’m going to have a talk with him and tell him how I feel. I have to. I care about him and I want hat’s best for him. I hate how he treats me sometimes and my feelings for him can only overlook it for so long. Not only that, I crave a more intimate relationship with him. I don’t want it to only be about sex with us. I enjoy the time we spend together and want it to be filled with more meaningful stuff rather than just sex. We hardly talk on the phone. I wait for him to call cuz when I do, he rarely answers or he never returns my calls. I could just say screw him but what if his ADHD is the reasons why I can’t get as close as I want? Or am I making excuses? It gets hard to tell for me to tell at times. I don’t know if my feelings are making excuses or if it really is disorder oreientated. So for my papers in my psy classes I will do ADHD themed research to get a better grip on him. May the gods bless me on my journey and provide me ith the wealth of knowledge I need to make a decision. I gotta go. This thing is loooooong enough! More will come later…….