A dilema for a dilema.

So here’s the deal. Since 02, I noticed this guy where I worked (then) but throughout the years I continued to frequent my old job and every so often, I would run into him there. He’s been there a long time. I could only take like what 5 months there. I found out I was pregnant and I had to quit cuz it was all high risk and stuff but anyway. When I broke it off with MY ex (sometimes doing the right thing ISN’T the right thing) I quit my job and he got engaged himself so approaching him wasn’t the right thing either so I just waited. Recently, he brought it to my attention that he and his ex well she’s an ex so I’e been dropping little hints on yadda yadda yadda but he doesn’t bite. All we do is stand there and talk about his ex Jill which I have to admit I encourage just to strike up conversation when I see him. He has lost a lot of weight since I first seen him in 2002 but let me make something clear: I LIKED HIM WHEN HE WAS HEAVY SO NO THIS ISN’T SOME OH NOW HE’S FIT AND SEXY LOOKING ——- NO I FOUND HIM VERY VERY VERY SEXY WHEN I FIRST MET HIM IN 2002!!!!!! In fact his girth is what first struck me about him. I have a tendency to go for the girthy. Why? IDK. I just do. Anyway, I asked him for his number and it was the wrong one- I think. I’ve actually never called it out of fear but I texted it and got no response. When I told him he said oh sorry and stuff. I gave my number a few encounters after that and he’s never called. Did he lose it on purpose? Maybe. The thought has crossed my mind a few times. But I know I have lost numbers by accident too and maybe he wanted to call but lost it. I have to give the BOD here. So, in my last attempt I have written him a letter telling him how I have felt abut him. FELT means I liked him then and I like him now. I’m not looking for marriage from the guy although it would be nice. It’s just like everywhere I look, people are living the relationships I really want. Like at the Rainforest Cafe, there was a bi-racial couple there and they had kids and I’m like that should be me cuz she wasn’t all tht great to look to anyway but I just thought to myself, what makes me so undeserving? Is it all the marriages I’ve infiltrated in my life? I’ve never cheated on my currents well in h.s. kind of. Well, I never INTENTIONIONALLY meant to cheat, Besides they were cheating on me right? In my serious relationships, I didn’t cheat how’s that? But I did in my unserious ones. SOooooo, the dilema for a dilema is that all he ever wants to do is talk about his ex and I like him, so enter the letter. Should I give him the letter or say screw it and just give up? I’m not quite ready to give up on love although I am coming FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING close. If this fails I will officially quit. No man will want an aging woman with 3 kids seriously anyway. I don’t know why I just don’t make peace with that??!!?!?!?!!!!! The writing’s so on the wall and my stupid self still can’t accept it.. It’s just that I have this image in my head of this life I want. Where my kids are accepted and the family actually does family stuff and they invite me. I’m not always the one doing it. Where my kids have Grandparents they go spend the weekend with and Aunt’s who send them Christmas and Birthday cards with money inside. I just see that life for us. I want that life for us soooooooooooooo badly.