3/11/07

lately i feel like no one is satisfied with the amount of myself that i am giving to them. i feel like whatever time i give to todd, it’s never enough or quality enough or anything. mitch (guy who i was kind of seeing up until today) wasn’t satisfied with me wanting to see him just a couple times a week.  now with the organizations that i am getting involved in, i feel like i am not putting enough time in at all and that they always want more more more. just attending the weekly delta force meeting isn’t enough, they want me to chalk with them afterwards, table with them two hours a week, and attend about three evening events every week. the same with latin american solidarity. and my tutoring kids are asking me why i can only come once a week, not every day.

why does everyone want so much from me?

and do i really give that much less than anyone else?

i think part of it is that there are a lot of things i have to do and a lot of things i want to do but i refuse to stretch myself thin. i mean, i have two jobs, four classes, am trying to graduate, tutor, write for the udk, i excercise every day, and i am in two student organizations. yet i don’t feel excessively busy. and i refuse to do so if i can help it. i don’t want to have days where i get up, go to class, go to work, go to a fundraising event, go out with my friends and then go straight to bed. i guess i refuse to be one of those people who has no time for themselve and is uber stressed all the time. if i can, i will take more time for myself. i need it. i need nights at home alone to cook a nice meal for myself and just chill out and watch my favorite TV show. and i feel guilty giving up time with friends or missing a delta force event, etc, for those things but i need them.

i think part of it is also that i am a bit selfish with my time. i won’t give up those things because i know i need them for balance and equilibrium in my life

and a final part of it is that maybe i’m a commitment-phobe rencently. i don’t want to completely give myself to anything. i don’t want to give delta force 10 hours of my time every week and neglect my other activities. i don’t want to give one friend or one man all my time or all my emotional self. i give a huge piece of myself to kevin and another huge piece to carl and will and i just don’t want to give any more important pieces of myself until i find someone amazing that i may want to spend, say, dozens of years with. it’s not worth getting too attatched. and i find myself doing things… not really half-assedly, but more like just not putting my heart all the way into them, like one of my jobs, some school projects, etc. i still care about them but i just don’t get them into them.

i don’t know. i don’t think this entry accurately expresses how i feel. i guess i didn’t put enough of myself into it…?