Two Poems

A long train of thoughts occurred before I decided to put these poems here. I wrote them a few years ago when I was still really having difficulty talking about being trafficked. I’ve shared them with a lot of people since I wrote them. The first one was read in front of the United Nations as well as put on display in a museum in an exhibit about modern day slavery.

Do You Remember. . .I Don’t

Do you remember taking me on a plane?
I don’t.
Do you remember sending the plane into a nose dive,
because I wouldn’t do what you asked?
I don’t.
Do you remember taking me to that house?
I don’t.
Do you remember what he said to you,
“If she’s as good as you say, she’ll be a nice addition to my collection.”
I don’t.
Do you remember what he did to me?
I don’t.
Do you remember him taking me into that dark, grey room,
tying me to the bed looking thing on the floor?
I don’t.
Do you remember the cameras surrounding the bed?
I don’t.
Do you remember his laugh and the smoke around him?
I don’t.
Do you remember him telling me,
to just “do as you’ve been taught?”
I don’t.
Do you remember me acting out,
being very disobedient?
I don’t.
Do you remember the constant beatings,
punishments for acting out?
I don’t.
Do you remember his long whip and the sound it made as it hit me?
I don’t.
Do you remember him saying to you,
“these whips are standard, marks are gone after few hours?”
I don’t.
Do you remember any of my screams?
I don’t.
Do you remember telling me that I had better get my act together,
or I would really be in for it when we got home?
I don’t.
Do you remember telling him that I normally don’t behave this way,
and him saying I had better straighten up or the deal was off?
I don’t.
Do you remember the late night beatings and “parties,”
to prove how good I was?
I don’t.
Do you remember how he would pull my ponytail back
holding a knife to my throat?
I don’t.
Do you remember him telling me that movies like the one I was going to be in,
make a lot of money?
I don’t.
Do you remember him rubbing the dull edge of the knife across my throat,
telling me he was just practicing for the real thing?
I don’t.
Do you remember the screams at night?
I don’t.
Do you remember me sneaking downstairs,
trying to see what the screams were?
I don’t.
Do you remember seeing another girl on the bed,
being held by her ponytail, knife at her throat?
I don’t.
Do you remember seeing what he did to her?
I don’t.
Do you remember the look he gave me when he saw me hiding?
I don’t.
Do you remember how she fought so hard to live?
I don’t.
Do you remember how when he was done,
he pointed the knife at me?
I don’t.
Do you remember all the blood?
I don’t.
Do you remember me running away?
I don’t.
Do you remember him following me,
knife in his hand?
I don’t.
Do you remember him wiping the blood on me?
I don’t.
Do you remember my childhood?
Neither do I.
 
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Trafficking Jam

Arrival

the floor is cold
cement
I look around
where am I?
it’s a basement
the one in Prague
I can tell
it’s cold
the room is bare
no window
no bed
no bathroom
I hear voices
men
they’re getting closer
“back again are you?
no mom to video with this time
just us”
the men all laugh
I crawl in the corner
wishing I was with mom

Day

I must have fallen asleep
I’m awake now
I hear voices
the men and my Family
talking about the deal
about having me. . .
killed
all I have to do is
prove to the men I’m "trained"
I can’t let that happen
the men come in
tell me to get undressed
I refuse
they come in and beat me
ripping my clothes off of me
cussing
they drag me out of the room
I fight them
it doesn’t work
I now get my first real look at the basement
there are rooms all around
the men knock on the doors
other girls come out
they are dressed
I’m jealous and embarrassed
the men tell them my “crimes”
the girls laugh
the men start beating me
kicking me
I’m bleeding
they finally stop
tell me to get up
I can’t move
one of the men kicks my stomach
I curl into a ball
he pulls me up
I fall back down
too weak to hold myself up
the girls all laugh
the men tell them to go back to their rooms
I’m scared
they take turns raping me
telling me if I’m going to lie there
they might as well take advantage of it
I don’t even care
I hurt too much to care
my Family comes down
my head is screaming
begging them to save me
the men stop and tell Them my “crimes”
the men leave me with my Family
it starts all over again
when it’s finally over I am relieved
by this time its time to eat
I haven’t ate since before we left on the plane yesterday
I’m starving
I see the men bringing down food
they knock on all of the doors
the girls come out and get their food
the men are approaching me
I yearn for food
anything
all I get is an empty plate
the men said bad girls don’t get food
I’m crushed
the men and my family leave
a girl comes out
offers me some of her food
I accept
she talks to me
tells me they killed her sister
I hold her and we cry together
the men come back
it must be dinner time
I get some water
that’s it
I’m so grateful
they put my back in my room
I ask where I could use the bathroom
they said to use the floor
they left laughing
I was alone again

Night

Imust have fallen asleep again
when I awake
it’s pitch black
I’m scared
I here banging on doors
I don’t know what’s going on
my door open and there is a blinding light
I feel myself being dragged out
I’m taken upstairs
there’s light
there’s so many people
cameras
what are they doing?
They drop me on a mattress
people are standing around
watching me
I realize the cameras are on
what’s going to happen
the girls are all whispering to each other
one of the men ties me
my hands behind my back
I’m on my knees
my feet are tied together
my hands tied to my feet
what’s going on?
A man pulls my head back
a see the glint of a knife
NO! NO! NO!
My head is screaming
I look around for someone
anyone who could help me
my Family is just watching
not saying a word
the man runs the dull blade across my neck
I start to freak out
I’m hit
he throws me on the floor
I’m crying and shaking
he said it was just practice
the real thing would come later
the girls just stare at me
it’s then I know I’m not like them
they have freedoms that I don’t have
they can eat
they have beds
they can go to the bathroom
a real bathroom
they have clothes
me? I am nothing
I have no bed
no bathroom
no clothes
I’m taken back to my room
told I had better shape up
my family comes in
it starts again

the girl

sometimes I’m allowed in the basement
the main part of it
I’m always tied though
so I can’t run away
the girls whisper to one another
look at me strange
I would love to be them
they’re so pretty
I love their clothes
I’d love any clothes right now
only the one ever talks to me
the others tell her not to
that she’ll end up like me
the girl doesn’t listen
we become secret friends
she shares her food sometimes
sometimes we fall asleep
out in the basement
I feel safe when she’s with me
knowing the men won’t do anything too bad
not while she’s there

Same

it’s dark
I open my eyes
I’m back in that room
this isn’t a dream
it’s worse
it’s real
I bang on the door
hoping someone would hear me
someone would let me out
feed me and let me wash
no such luck
it’s the men again
they tell me if I’m going to make noise
I’m going to do it their way
and on camera
I try to run back to the corner
they stop me
dragging me back upstairs
to that room where the cameras were before
throwing me on the floor
I just sit there
not making a sound
one of them starts raping me
I still don’t make any noise
by this age I’m used to it
he swears and gets off me
he starts beating me
this I never got used to
I scream and try to fight back
the man behind the camera laughs
tells the guy to keep going
I feel something wet on my face
is it tears? Or blood?
I can’t tell
he finally lays off me
I lay there
bloody and sore
inside and out
they get my Family
tells Them what I’ve done
my Family lays into me
I’m too weak to fight back
I just lay there
They tell me I better behave
act like they taught me or else
or else what? I wonder
will you finally kill me?
Or will you keep on beating me
does it even matter?