Why I Hate Eating

This probably won’t stay available for very long. I posted it somewhere else but things have just gotten worse, not better. I figure if I keep "talking" about it, it will get better, I hope. 

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My Family in New York didn’t let me eat a lot. I didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes, if I ate more than I was allowed or ate something that I wasn’t supposed to, they would beat me and yell at me telling me how fat I was and that I would always be fat and unlovable.

They would tell that I didn’t deserve to eat as much as I do because I didn’t do anything to deserve it. They said I was bad and needed to earn my food.

Other times, they would force me to eat horrible things, telling me if I was hungry I had to eat what they wanted me to. Sometimes they would make me eat cum, other times urine or feces. I’d end up throwing up and would sometimes be made to eat that as well.

Yet other times, I would be raped repeatedly while being screamed at or be made to hurt someone else (can’t/won’t say who). They would tie the person to the bed and make me beat them with a belt, telling me that it was my fault they was being hurt because I was the one who was a pig and had to eat.

Sometimes, when I eat, I get flashbacks of the above. It’s easier to just not eat than to eat while having flashbacks. That mentality lead to anorexia and a 5 week in patient hospitalization.

There are still some foods I just can’t eat due to the color and/or texture. Some foods I can’t even watch other people eating, it makes me gag. I’ve gotten better though.

I choke on foods quite often, on a daily basis almost. Sometimes it’s not that bad but other times I wonder if I’m going to choke to death. It’s never made me throw up though. I’ve wondered if it’s purely psychological or if there is damage to my throat in some way from them hanging me or strangling me.

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So, I try to keep myself really busy, getting lots of things done, so I "deserve" the food I eat. If I eat without "deserving" it, I get really nauseous, depressed, and I just hurt physically.

Yesterday wasn’t a very productful day but I ate and was nauseous and in pain most of the day.Today, I’ve only ate when I "dserved" it and things are fine. Sunday, I did a LOT of things and was able to eat plenty with no problem at all.

I just can’t stay busy and do things to "deserve" to eat all the time. Progress I guess.