Every Summer

**Links to other entries will better explain what I’m talking about

As I mentioned in another entry, summer has always been hard for me as it’s when the abuse happened (this link may trigger). This summer is no different.

The nightmares/bad dreams have started again. They’re not "nightmares" per say as I’ve gotten used to them but I still wake up in a daze and am really down for a good part of the day until I snap out of the fog that flashbacks tend to put me in.

With the increase in nightmares and flashbacks, so comes the not wanting to eat to make them go away. I was punished in various ways for eating. Sometimes I was beaten, other times I was raped. Some times I was forced to hurt others. And it was all "my fault" because I ate and I wasn’t allowed. Eating less usually equals less flashbacks. While this is true, it also lead to anorexia and being hospitalized for 5 weeks.

My self image and body image seems to have plummeted. I look at pictures in which I thought I looked good and think I look too soft and big. I look at pictures taken recently and it’s even worse, even though I “know” I look better now. Something goes wrong, and I somehow think it’s my fault because I’m too stupid, or too inept, to have done the thing that would have prevented it, even when I know it wasn’t my fault. I’m never good enough and neither is anything I do.

I act like I’m doing okay so no one has a clue. Sometimes, I wish I could tell someone, but I know how that ends. I’m either not believed, I’m given medication and no help with the actual problem, or I’m told that I’m strong and will get through it. In all cases, I get nothing, so why tell anyone?

I had a nightmare last night in which I was hospitalized for anorexia and my abusers came to visit me. I tried to tell staff not to let them come but it was already too late. It was awful. They ended up killing me. In the dream, I was so happy and free after I was dead.

I was supposed to and up like that girl in Prague and sometimes I wonder if that would have been better.