Thoughts About Being Alone

So, as my introduction says, I have had family members die. One of those was my mom. She was 29 and I was 11. She had AIDS and lived much longer than anyone thought she would. She was diagnosed before I was born (no, I don’t have AIDS) and they didn’t think she’d live very long, certainly not 11 years.

I didn’t go to the funeral (long story). Short version, my abusers were going to be there and had threatened me on the phone. I didn’t feel safe going, so I didn’t. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have went, but I can’t change it so try not to think about it often.

As I get older and go through the normal phases, it seems it becomes more and more "family" oriented. There was no formal graduation from elementary to junior high and none from junior high to high school (Our junior high and high school was in the same building. It housed 7-12 grades).

It was weird not having any parents at graduation but my great aunt and Scott were there, so I did have people there. My step dad said his car broke down and we really don’t keep in touch anymore anyway.

Now as I move into my senior year of college, it’s going to be even stranger having no parents there at graduation.My aunt and Scott will be there, but, I don’t know. It’s not the same and they know and understand that. 

Both my great aunt and Scott are in their 60’s and neither is the epitome of health. My great aunt smokes and is sick often and Scott has heart problems (heart attack, quadruple bypass, etc).

I know it’s only a matter before I’m completely "alone" and on my own, literally. I know they probably won’t be alive when I turn 30 (though I hope they are of course) and sometimes that scares me. 

I know we are all going to be without family some day but normally when that happens, you have a family or significant other. I don’t even know if I’ll be done with college. I certainly doubt I’ll have a significant other.