Meandering

I’m in a rut and I’m just existing. This isn’t good.

I can’t really leave here. This is my "no rent" place. Yeah, the reason why I fought moving back here for 10 years was that this is my mother’s place and I moved away to prove to myself I could take care of myself, make something of myself on my own. And it was a shadow on my back all the time that this condo was sitting here empty waiting for me to fail all those years.

So when I had to move back to it, my house of remaining confidence, faith and happiness collapsed.

A couple of months ago, it made perfect sense to me to make plans for suicide. I was physically dying, not just depression. I had no money and I had to write some lists of things for others to take care of. It was my inability to find someone to take care of my ill cat, with all the things you have to do for her all day that kept me alive. I imagined my funeral where my mother and friend couldn’t even find decent pics of me to put next to my open casket was another thing. The lack of people there was another. and my writings and photos and memories being put in a dumpster, not even a recycling bin.

I keep trying to think of what it is I’m here to do. I try writing and have tried. I have had blogs on several sites since before they had a name. Since they were online diaries. Since I had to code my own page on geocities to post each entry.

Society has such a short attention span and I fight that every day. TV is crawling with elimination round shows. Everyone just eliminates people from their lives and I have done the same. when it gets unbearable and I’m done bottling everything inside, I unleash one day, am seen as erratic and things end. I’m happy to leave and be done.

I’m one of those "keeps to himself" types that people describe as a bad loner type since I moved back to California. I have no money to do anything, don’t want to talk to old friends that have nothing to do but brag about their loud, obnoxious fast food fed kids or talk about the latest thing they pissed their money away on something made in a sweatshop that they have no idea how to use, with a laugh. How the fuck else would I respond? Yeah, I spend a lot of time on my own because people tend to irritate me the longer I know them. So now, I keep things to an aquantence level before the phone tag, the games and the expectations and resulting disappoitments begin.

I enjoy the peace. I enjoy my cat. This is good to me. How is my "isolation" any different than couples and families that are home but play video games or watch tv every night? Or those that chat and text on cell phones instead of the people sitting in front of them trying to look comfortable after they said they’d hang out with you?

Sunday is the anniversary of the last day of the last job I had. this has been a year of applying, losing my g/f, our apartment, the city I love and dealing with a world of shit back in california, everything I was happy to leave for a decade. I have spent a year trying to get a goddamn handshake from another unappreciative company that wants to underpay their lowest rung on the ladder while they do all the gruntwork.

I have been sad, angry, depressed, and on rare occasions hopeful, energetic and perservering. I have given up, many times. I have taken breaks, retreated and gone into the eye of the hurricane. Unemployment is not just my problem, but 14 million people in the US. And it’s not just my county, state and country that’s in a depression. Greece, Japan, europe are all going in the shitter financially, everyone that has dumped money into war is fucked. food is fucked, animals are fucked, weather is cataclysmic. Everything is coming to a head. The mayans are looking like geniuses right about now.

I hope that the big change the Mayan apocalypse predicts will be a world wide reboot of this technology that is in fact ruining all our industries. We have less and less albums or cds. We’re losing books, now. We can’t do anything without downloading it. We put all all our money online to be hacked. All people contribute is pollution and waste and reality tv and the earth suffers. I would love to live with a lot less technology and just enjoy people’s company and take care of the animals and live simply, without credit for every damn thing.

That’s how I try to live my life now. Each day, I have to focus only on the end result and stop wasting money on anything else.