The whole Poulas thing

As previously mentioned in the entry about my birthday, I flew off the handle with Poulas… I sent him a letter and apologized and this was his response: Here’s the e-mail:

thanks for the letter when you said i took off strange I did i was a bit upset you keep telling me that you take me for me but that’s not true at all You hope there will be something that happens that will change the way that i am I am Gay and will stay That way there is nothing you or anyone can do to change that so I wish you would just let that Dream go. and let me be who i am and who i am going to be.. it’s getting hard to want to hang out with you anymore, that new years this was just way out of line, If you was flirting with a GUY YOU think i would get mad Hell no we are friends not lovers so when you went on your little fit that you had I just let it be but was a bit upset we was there to have fun but when i started to have fun and you was not there you got all mad there is no reason for that NONE, I was not ignoring you I don’t know what to say bit this is the last time i am going to tell you I am going to be me and when i fall in love it will be with a boy not a girl I am sorry that’s just how things are going to be i am trying once again to put all of this out All i want from you is to be friends and best buds but if you think you can’t do that well then we will just have to find a way out of this. I like you a lot but I only like you as we are not how you want us to be….. I don’t know what more to say about this. O one more thing when you said you just didnt want to see any of it “GAY” Stuff, well if you are around me i am gay so you will see gay take it as it is like you say you do.

I love all of you your family has been so good to me and like you said in your email part of the bucevicius clan. and the same here i feel the same way,

So anyway have a good friday night.

I never responded directly to him… but I wrote something in my blog on myspace that reads:

Song to Poulas

Let’s just hope he doesn’t read this. ‘Cause that wouldn’t be good. But, I found it and heard it today and needed to do it. Opendiary.com has been the only other way to express my feelings, and now I’m done keeping everything a secret. I haven’t been able to be myself in fear that he would see my feelings for him. He knows how I feel. If he is reading this… I took your e-mail into thought… although you are right about alot of things, I can’t control these feelings nor keep them inside. This is my form of journaling. I’m sorry I get jealous. I’m sorry I can’t always control my jealousy and anger around you. You said it is getting harder and harder to want to hang out with me… do you think it’s easy for me to put myself through that all the time? No, it’s not. Why do I do it then you might ask? Because not seeing you is worse. Not being able to hang out with you or talk to you hurts so much more than masking my feelings for you! You gave me one more chance… and I don’t want to mess that up. But I’m not sure. My mom is right though, I don’t want to go through what I went through with Gary. He would seem like a piece of cake compared to what I’d go through if you ever walked out of my life for good. So, here’s the song… the chorus is for you!!

“Far Away”

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there’s just one left

‘Cause you know,

you know, you know

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you’ll be with me

and you’ll never go

Stop breathing if

I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask

Last chance for one last dance

‘Cause with you, I’d withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I’d give it all

I’d give for us

Give anything but I won’t give up

‘Cause you know,

you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

‘Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Hold on to me and, never let me go

I want to say stuff to him, but I’m not sure that’d be a wise idea at the moment. He doesn’t want to hear it. I miss him. ALOT. Here’s an e-mail I just wrote my mom tonight. Kinda sad…

Mom,

I think there’s really something wrong with me. I’m tired of being so confused all the time and I hate being indecisive and I feel so lost and hopeless. Nothing makes sense to me. The more I’m here the more lost and hopeless I feel. What is wrong with me mom? I’m trying to find my place in this world, and I’m not finding it. I’m too emotionally unstable for this.

Don’t share this with dad. I wasn’t even going to share this with you. I give living here 6 months. I will work my butt off and save my money and if I’m still feeling so confused and lost I’m coming back. I’ll find a job first and get my own place in Sioux City. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I will handle everything on my own if I move back.

I feel like the world’s biggest failure at times. I’ve been stuck at rock bottom since August. I haven’t felt quite the same since the accident.. since my dreams crumbled. There’s a song by Shaun Groves, it’s called “to be honest” there’s a few lines in there that I’ve felt like lately… here they are… “I’m scared to wander outside major keys. So I sing a song that I wrote just to please the fools and the fakes, afraid just like me. To be honest. I play my part with a smile painted on. At best I’m a clown, at worst I’m a con. Convincing the crowd and myself nothing’s wrong. To be honest.” I keep telling myself this feeling will go away and this is where I need to be.. hoping that I will start believing that. I don’t know what I believe anymore. Everything’s a jumbled mess inside of me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do believe this Bible study will help.

This move was rushed, and poor planning on my part. I was nervous about doing it. But, I went ahead and did it. Now, I’m not sure why. What am I doing mom? Why did I do this? I can’t help feeling like this. I shouldn’t have come. What can I do now? Everyone thinks I’m crazy. Maybe I am crazy. This isn’t home, and I don’t think it will ever be home. I know I need to give it a chance, and I will try.

I hate doing this to y’all. I hate doing this to myself. I hate doing this to everyone that cares about me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not trying to sabotage anything like you think. I guess I don’t have anymore energy and can’t bear getting rejected anymore. I am depressed mom. I’ve tried denying it over and over because I think I can handle things on my own, and that things changed once and I didn’t have to rely on pills anymore… why not again? I just don’t know what to do anymore and everything appears hopeless and I just want to give up. I’m not sure of myself anymore. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I’m tired of fighting and getting nothing for

my efforts. For trying to rebuild my life after that day in August. Trying to see past the fog in my head is getting harder and harder. I know, just what you want to hear, right? This isn’t exactly what I want to feel. I’m scared. And feel very much alone. It’s a heavy burden to carry… and it’s wearing on me, already.

Just keep praying for me. I will work for 6 months and save every penny and come back (unless things change)… and I won’t sabatoge things here. I promise. I will give it a shot. But, I just thought someone should know what I was feeling. My best friend is a little too busy to worry about me. Plus, I’m not even sure how to talk to him anymore. I messed up real bad this time didn’t I?

Gotta go to bed. Bible study is coming early!!

Love you mom!!

Alissa

She is probably going to freak. What else could I expect? I just want to go back home. I’m not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I know I’ll have to stick it out for 10 weeks.. at least.. I can’t back out of that. What to do. What to do. I thought this was a good idea, but I don’t think so anymore. I’m CONFUSED.

Anyways, that’s enough of an update. Should keep some people busy for awhile!! 🙂

Alissa