I’m horrible at updating… but here goes

It’s strange being back at my parents house. I still get yelled at, but not as much. My mind works a million miles a minute and I forgot that I left stuff laying around the house- that’s the biggest problem. A hoodie here, a hoodie there. What’s the big deal? Take 2 seconds out of your lives and move it where it wouldn’t be in the way. DUH. So, I know, I need to quit leaving crap everywhere. But, I’ve gotten better… they’ll even tell ya that one!

Things with Poulas are ok. He’s finally talking to me like he used to. And, he’s not as anxious to get me off the phone as he was. Still need to work on it a bit, but he’s getting better. I went down yesterday because I wanted to help him a bit and I needed to fill out a job application in Omaha. So, I went down there.. helped him clean dad’s room up to put a hospital bed in there, and then left around 1 to fill out that application. I got sooooo freakin’ LOST.. Omaha is huge. Never really realized how huge until I tried finding this place. So, an hour and a half later (I found the place and filled out the application) I was able to make my way back to Poulas’. I think it took me 2 hours to do that blasted thing. So, then, I met him at the hospital. Dad looked ok. Having some problems, but for the most part, he’s doing ok. Poulas moved him back to the house with Hospice care. I’m glad he decided to do that (Hospice care).. he didn’t want to do it at first because he didn’t like the idea of them being “end of life care.” But, I think he’s finally realized (not to sound mean or rude or anything, ’cause I love Charlie like my own dad) that dad is dying. That he isn’t going to get any better. They recently (like this past week) found stomach cancer. So, all together he’s got brain cancer, skin cancer, lung cancer, bone cancer, and now stomach cancer. Cancer is just eating him away. He’s lost like 30 pounds since he got sick. Poor guy. He lost all his hair. I told him I’d shave my hair so he wouldn’t feel so alone. He called me silly and crazy. BUT, it got a smile out of him. Yesterday as Poulas and I were walking out of the hospital dad yelled, “You guys take care of each other.” And I wanted to cry. I’m not sure what I feel for Poulas anymore. I still love him, but I think I finally realized nothing was going to happen between him and I. And T, I feel it in my heart now. It’s not just something I’ve been drilling into my head over and over hoping to believe it. I finally do believe it. I don’t feel as torn anymore.

Well, I’ve been applying for jobs in KENTUCKY!! LOL.. Nobody can believe that one!! It’s funny. I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday and she said there were a few job openings in the paper that I should apply for, so I did. Waiting to hear back from them now. My mom wasn’t opposed to it like I thought she’d be. But, she did say that I’m taking the first job that’s offered to me, whether it be in Sioux City, Omaha, or Kentucky. That’s where I’ll go. I’m hoping and praying for Kentucky. I feel like I felt before moving to South Carolina. Alone, sad, anxious, depressed, etc. Something about this place does it to me. I felt it when I lived in South Carolina and came back on visits. I just want to feel alright emotionally and I haven’t been lately. Maybe I need to go back on my pills while living here. I don’t know. I hate relying on medication to make me feel happy… UGH. I don’t know what to do. I guess just hoping for Kentucky to pull through. At least then my parents would only have to make one trip rather than two like they did when I lived in South Carolina.

Let’s see… what else.. I’ve been watching my cousin Elizabeth alot lately… it’s strange. Went from hardly seeing her, to seeing her 3 times a week. It’s a little bit of money coming in, so I can’t complain. I watched her today for 4 hours and then I’m watching her on Thursday for a couple hours. She’s the cutest thing. The only problem with that is it makes me want to have one of my own. And that’s just something I need right now (said with lots of sarcasm).

So, I’m bored. I really need to make some friends. If I don’t hear anything by the end of the week I might be forced to go back to the gas station, and I don’t want to do that! I’d rather cut off my arms and legs than go back there, but since that’d be a little too painful, I might just have to… UGH. I hate that place.

So, I’m going. Maybe look at some more jobs I can apply for. YAY. Get the heck out of this state!!

Alissa