For T again

T~

Hey. Funny how talkin’ with a parent can help you see things differently.. and for once, I think my mom was right about everything. Her worst fears have possibly came true. She feared that my life would get meshed with Poulas’… and it has… to the point where I don’t even want to be here anymore. I can’t take it. I see him talkin’ to his gay “pals” online, who in my opinion, want nothing more from him than a roll in the sack… I hear him talkin’ to these so called “friends” and it breaks my heart everytime. We were watchin’ an AWESOME movie tonight, and he was sitting here talkin’ on the internet. I guess what I don’t understand is why would someone hang out with people who wants to use you? I don’t get it at all. That’s all these men are doing… and maybe he’s using these men too… I don’t know for certain. I don’t understand why someone would want to live like this, when they have the power to change it. By now, I’m sure you know that I think being gay is a choice. I don’t believe men are born like this. Here I am, loving this man with my entire being, willing to give up everything I own for this man… and he couldn’t give a rats ass about that. I know he cares about me, that has never been questionable… but I think I’ve finally realized that he’s been taking advantage of me. I wash his clothes, I keep things running around this house, I make the bed, I take out the trash. I keep track of his cell phone, his wallet, his cigarettes… everything… I feel like I’m not appreciated anymore… and I think it’s time I got out. I’m not saying I’m ditching him as a friend, but I think I need to ditch him as a roommate. I’ve been pondering this over and over to the point where I feel retarded ’cause I didn’t see it earlier. I have the chance to get out now before this friendship takes a turn for the worst… and believe me, it’s on the brink… he has no idea either. He doesn’t know anything anymore as to what I am feeling or thinking. I have a job interview near where my parents live, and I am seriously thinking about taking the position. It’s a decision that has the potential to destroy me. I can’t seem to make it on my own… and it’s all because of HIM. Everything has revolved around him for so long I’m not sure I can function as a single individual.

My mom made me realize finally, that I really can’t save him. I can’t do jack for him. I almost said screw it and threw the towel in. I almost walked away from my best friend. Do you know how scary that is? I’ve gotten to the point where I rely on him for everything, and he has too. I’m scared of losing him, but at the same time, I’m scared of losing myself. I’ve drug myself into a deep hole. And I don’t know how to get out of it. I’ll finish this later!!