Going crazy

I almost went off on Rina today. She was freakin’ pissin’ me off. Things I said got twisted, and she was just gettin’ on my nerves. So, I took a little drive and it pissed her off. She wanted to go with me but I told her I needed to go spend some time by myself… and she got really pissy with me. Slammed the car door and everything, which didn’t help but fueled the fire even more. I called Poulas and we talked about it a little bit. He told me I have to bear with it for at least another day and he’ll be back home to help. He said just try not to say or do anything that’ll get me kicked out of the house. That’s my biggest fear. That’d she would say something to Charlie and I’d be out of the house. I think Charlie likes me though and he won’t allow it. So, talkin’ to Poulas helped a little bit. He’s stopping at his mom’s in Utah for the night and then heading home. I’m ready for him to get back. He’s been gone… 8 days. I miss that boy.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at Immanuel Hospital in Omaha Nebraska. Then Tuesday, I have a job interview in Le Mars Iowa (by my parents house)… and then on the 30th in Council Bluffs Iowa (about 10 minutes away from where I live now)… I’m hoping to get a job around here so I don’t have to leave Poulas. He seemed kinda upset when I told him about the interview in Le Mars. I told him I don’t want to leave here… that I’m happy here, but I don’t think that helped. I think I shouldn’t tell him things like that. Mom told me I shouldn’t tell him about any guys I talk to, cause he does have a place in his heart where he’d like to get married and have children. I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I know I can’t wait around for him to make up his mind and put my life on hold. I don’t think he’d want me to. So, if he’s going to decide, he needs to decide now before I get involved with somebody. UGH. It’s soooo confusing and it takes so much out of me sometimes. I just wish things were black and white with us…. but nothing is normal between him and I. I know people talk to. “How can you be in love with a gay guy? Just get over it already.” I know they do, ’cause I’ve heard them say that. Whether it be to my face or to someone else.

Anyways, I need to get going. My movie just came on, so I’m going to watch it! 🙂

Alissa