Answers to T

*What is the reason that pushed him over this limit? I think it’s a mixture of fear for his dad, his brother is an arrogant ass and won’t let up on him. His whole life he’s heard he’s a failure for some reason or another. I think he’s trying to get his dad’s blessing on his life… and I’m not sure if he’s getting it. He hasn’t had the best childhood, but he’s grown into a man who seemed strong and seemed like he would make it through. But, inside, he’s only a boy looking for approval from the people who are suppose to love him the most. I think in his dad’s dying days he has been giving Poulas what he needs, but I’m not sure it’s enough. Then there’s the fact that he takes on everybody’s problems. His 2 brothers, his sister-in-laws, his sisters, his mom’s… He’s taking care of 2 elderly people with no relief or help, and I think all this combined has just run him down. He claimed bankruptcy a bit ago, and he has fears about getting a job, getting an apartment, and stuff like that. No matter how much you reassure him that I’ll help, or his family will help, it doesn’t matter. He feels that since he doesn’t have an education he won’t find a job and especially with the bankruptcy on top of it. He just sees no point in living. But, I told him that before his dad got sick, he was working a job that paid him MORE than what I was getting paid, and I went to college for what I was doing.

*Does he regret it? He said it was stupid, and he promised to not do it again. At this point, since I’m not sure what else to do, I need to trust him. And be there for him. I can’t save him. Only he can save himself. I can point him in the right direction, but he’s got to step up to the plate a little bit.

*How is isolation going to help solve the issues inside him? I don’t think it’ll totally solve it, but it might help him think a little more clearly. His whole life (since he was 15) he’s kinda lived like a gypsy, until 5 years ago, when his dad got sick and he took it upon himself to care for his sick father. So, this is what he’s used to, and this is what made him semi happy. I figured since all the stress he’s been under and all the issues that came along with taking care of his father, that he deserved this break. He promised to come back. He promised he wouldn’t do anything. I just have to trust him, and pray he doesn’t break any of these promises.

*Do any of his family know? He tried to commit suicide on Friday. I called his sister and his Aunt on Saturday. I also called the Suicide Hotline and got some advice from them. It was good to talk to a professional about it and get some insight on some stuff. He has a number to call for help… so I’m not sure what else I can do. I really don’t want to have to commit him, but if it came down to it, I might find somebody else to do it. Who knows.

*What do you want for yourself and for him at this point? I want him to be happy.. ALIVE and happy. I want him to dream. I want him to know he can turn to me whenever he needs someone. You’re right, I am his support right now. I think he realizes just how much he’s needed me the last few days. He kept saying, “What would I do without you.” And instead of me telling him that I love him all the time, HE’S telling ME that he loves me. When he left for this trip, he told me he wasn’t going to call me everyday, I’m not complaining, but he HAS called me everyday. I’m glad for it. I’ve left him alone for the most part. I’m taking care of his dad and his step mom while he’s gone, and he’s been good about calling. It feels like he’s been gone a lifetime though, instead of only like 2 1/2 days. I don’t know how I’ll survive the next week and a half or so. UGH!!

*What do you currently feel for him? I feel everything I’ve ever felt for him, and more. I feel fear, I feel anxiety, I feel calm… every emotion comes at me in waves. Some are more like tidal waves… huge, and I feel like they are going to pull me under. I myself have a good support group for me. He’s in God’s hands now, and that’s the better place to be. I can’t worry about him. I can’t think about the what if’s… because I would go crazy… I’m just taking it one day at a time… I miss him like crazy… and I love him even more and my heart breaks everytime I think about him (which is like every minute of every day). I want him to be happy though, so I can sacrifice my contentment for his.

*What do you currently feel for yourself? Myself… I haven’t thought about myself in a long time… well, until this weekend. I came back to my hometown to hang out with some friends and to see my parents. I needed that after what’s gone down this past weekend. I have people calling me to see if I’ve eaten, to make sure I take care of myself.. so, I’ve been taking care of myself half assed, but it’s getting done. I’m fine. I’m like on an emotional rollercoaster… one minute I’ll be fine, then I’ll be bawling, then I’ll be laughing, and it goes on and on. Day in and day out. Drives me crazy sometimes, but I’m not sure else how to deal. But, I’m being taken care of. Thanks for asking.

*What fears do you have for him and for you? My fears are that he’ll leave me. That he won’t be in my life (whether because he dies or he leaves)… I fear that I will never be able to love someone as much as I love him. I fear that he won’t survive this. I fear that I won’t be there to stop him. I fear that my whole world will crash around me if he doesn’t something again. That I’m not strong enough to handle all this. That I won’t be strong enough for him. That I’ll let him down somehow. Or that he’ll let me down. Mostly, I’m scared of not having him in my life.

Well, hope this answered your questions. I’ll write more later.

Alissa