Psychology appointment

I had my second psychologist appointment today. I preferred today’s appointment because it was done by phone because of this COVID-19 virus.

I felt more comfortable that i could stay at home in my pj’s with my fur babies with me. 2 of my cats stayed with me the whole session. The phone sessions will continue for a little while yet. The government has just allowed psychology appointments to be done on the phone & video link, i think they allowed it because of this virus. Previously it was only allowed for people who live in remote places where they have to travel for a long way or have access to a psychologist, such as people who live on farms.

The appointment went well & i learned about things about myself that i didn’t know, such as why i keep befriending toxic people & ignoring my negative gut instinct about them only for them to hurt me. So hopefully in the near future i will be able to stop ignoring my gut instincts & walk away from these sort of people instead of giving them the chance to hurt me.

I was bullied all through my school years. I hated school even now i look back & i feel nothing but anger, dread & sadness. So i thought the reason why i am so accepting of people no matter who they are, their differences, experiences etc was because i was an outcast all my childhood at school & mum & i were the black sheep of my family who all thought they were better than everyone else. Mum raised me well with good respectful values & not be judgmental. So i thought that’s why i always accepted these toxic people, their differences & their weirdness without judgement. Turns out that is only part of the reason why i keep accepting & getting into friendships with toxic people. Apparently part of the reason is because of my bullying at school. My psych told me what its called about me with this issue but i cant remember what it is.

I told my psych about the little outburst a few weeks ago a man that was being rude to me telling me off even though i had sincerely apologized numerous times after forgetting something when i was at the shop checkout. Psych told me that what i did was a good thing for me except for the fuck word. He told me why it was a positive thing for me, something to do with expressing & acknowledging my feelings instead of bottling it all up & keeping to to myself. That is something i have an issue with & apparently it is mentally unhealthy to keep your feelings hidden & try to ignore them. That’s how i have been my whole life, my psych told me it is a coping mechanism that i developed very young. He is going to teach me how to be able to express & acknowledge & deal with my feelings in a positive way & preferably not swearing at people when i do😁. I told my psych that the day i reacted like that was on the same day i had my first appointment with him, but later in the afternoon. He told me that he thinks it was because i felt a little emotionally safer after talking to him & he explaining somethings to me about me keeping things to myself. He said it was because i understood a little more about myself that made me feel a little more emotionally safer & a little more confident.

I dreaded having to see a psychologist & was able to manage to avoid it for many years until recently. But i am not dreading it now, i think its going to be a good thing & my psych will be able to help me. I hope soon that he helps me help myself & 1 that i can be happy & content in my life & not always expect the worst in everything.