numb… twisty mirror

Chase destruction of your own emotions
And your need for love, makes you easy prey
Safety of the rubber glove seems much too simple
Climbing up and down, waiting for the day

You can’t see if I’m not listening
You can’t hear with my eyes open
I can hate with my eyes open
I feel better when I’m numb

Chase distraction of your own existance
Keep it clean, clean enough to stab
Lick your own wounds, anxious for the next one
Cry for more pain, heal what you have

You can’t see if I’m not listening
You can’t hear with my eyes open
I can’t hate with my eyes open
I feel better when I’m numb

Just another hit for the one you love
If you cared at all, you’d put me down
Wake up dead man, can’t you see I’m starving’

You can’t see if I’m not listening
You can’t hear with my eyes open
I can’t hate with my eyes open
I feel better when I’m numb
I feel better
I feel better when I’m numb

Wow.  So this is a song by Holly McNarland.  I hadn’t heard of her before, but I started downloading her stuff and I really like it.  The lyrics are a little scary though.  I like her sound because it is really harsh.   I have been listening to it in the car and screaming.  Helps with some of the emotional stuff taht I am going through right now.  The roller coaster is continuing.  I took a nap yesterday and had a dream about amusement parks.  I was waiting in line for the log ride…. but i recall being on other coasters as well… I guess it is a good anaolgy of my life right now.  All the cool stuff and all the really shitty stuff.  It seems that i have no middle ground… I am not just so so.  I am either really upset and depressed or genuinely happy.  And I am starting to wonder if the happiness is a mask for not dealing with the depression…. But no.  I am truly happy at times.  I think I am finally smiling real smiles for the first time in a long while. 

I spoke too fast about my past
I had a blast, I talk in circles
Speech impaired I’m not quite clear of what I’m saying
I run in circles
Around myself

Crazy mirror of me
The only question is for myself
And my question would be
What am I doing here

I am not aware the damage here may be
Too far beyond repair
All I do is think of you
I’m too consumed, can’t always have you
Around myself

Crazy mirror of me
The only question is for myself
And my question would be
What am I doing here

What am I doing here