Rain….?

Ok, Here I am in sweet Southern Cali, and Wednesday the forecast was bright and sunny, the perfect Spring break weather…. But now, as I sit here listening to my Tori Amos and Sheena Ringo, I notice a strange pitter patter outside…. It’s raining! What is up with that? Ug. Oh well, when life hands you rain make…..sure you rolled the windows of your car up. Am I mixing my metaphors? But that reminds me, I’ll be right back…..

Ok, that was pointless. Oh well. Better safe than sorry right? Now I need a towel. Ug.

Well, this week has turned out to be a weird ride. As some people may have gathered from my last entry, I have decided to try things again with Ian. I know what a lot of people are going to think, but I don’t know. I am still afraid that he will hurt me again. He broke me heart, and my trust. But my feelings for him are so deep. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes… he is changing his life around…And I believe that he is changing it for himself, and not for my benefit. I think that is the way is should be, otherwise it will probably be short lived. I know a lot of people might feel disappointed at me for making this decision, but most of my friends are just wanting to make sure that I don’t get hurt again. God… I hope not…

So, Ian came over Tuesday night and talked to me. He said that he knows he can’t promise that I won’t get hurt, but that he promised not to hurt me in that way again… He also told me that if I thought the only way that I would never be hurt by him was him never seeing or talking to me again, that he would respect that. I don’t want that. I love him very much. We are going to be taking things one day at a time for a while, but that is what needs to happen. I have grown a lot since we’ve been apart, and I know that some areas in our relationship were unhealthy. And I am not going to go back to that. We are going to try to start again. I had told him when I found out he had slept with that other chick, that things would never be the same again. And that is true. Things won’t be the same. I am not glossing over what has happened, and I don’t think I could. But if we can rebuild that trust, even if it isn’t as strong as before, I want to try.

I was Valedictorian of my High School class. (OK, so grammar and spelling are not my forte) But when I made my speech, I talked about how you need to live life not being afraid to try something, but going out there and doing it, even if it means you might fail or get hurt. It is like that with love. Yeah, you might never get hurt if you don’t step out and love someone, but then you would miss out on the experience of the love itself. To quote a fav song of mine… “Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you’re standing outside the fire” (GB) But, so that is what I have decided. If I get hurt… so be it. But the thought of what life could be like if I don’t get hurt is just too appealing right now to pass up. We’ll see what happens.