jaded. brotherlove

Oh hello.
 

Brittany didn’t move in. Thank god. But I did meet with this Brown boy today. He seems nice. He will likely move in closer to the end of the month. Problem solved for now. He was the first person I interviewed, I always go with the first person. The last room mate didnt work out so I will see how this goes.

Me and Joes thing is over with. It didn’t last long. He finally stopped sleeping on the floor beside me and I stopped being a whore. We kinda act like nothing happened. I don’t think either of us are effected. 

I havent talked to Mitch in sooo long. Since the 23rd. I think that that date last year me and him where going through some kind of bullshit. I think it’s the time he went to Commonwealth with Dan and lied to me about it. I probably have it written somewhere. Anyway. I stopped talking to him because I found out that he was going out with my girlfriends boyfriend. My only 2 girlfriends really, the ones I went to Shamb with. Frankly it made me jealous. I couldn’t rationalize being to mad since he didnt actually go out with my girlfriends. But with one of their boyfriends. I would have a fit if they did go out with him. But really it’s going to happen sooner or later.

So I told him nicely exactly how I felt and I said. "You should be going out and having fun. Go out, with your new friends that you made immediately after dumping me. Go make your new life. Leave my life out of it." I was referring to the girl from the casino that he started hanging out with literally the day after dumping me. He never messaged me back. He had his party night. He then said Merry Christmas on Christmas. I didn’t reply. And until yesterday we never spoke. I think that was the longest time I havent heard from him.

Yesterday he texted saying that he missed my eyes. That he doesnt feel whole and that something was missing. I said something about how I wanted be his wife and had a plan to take care of him. He said the reason he broke up with me was because he knew I was ready for that life and that he wasnt. "I can’t marry you unless I resolve my issues." I think it was the first time that he said he actually wanted to change his ways. I called him on his bullshit and he said that (marrying me) is something he wants to want. Then I said "it’s weird that you would push yourself fartIher away from me if its something you want to want. I cant imagine working towards a goal without being able to see the prize." He said that He didnt want it three months ago like he does now. This time away from you has changed me. He said he will try forever to fix it.

Life is so painful without him. I am also missing something. We had something. Even though the fights and the wounds we were connected to the waist. I still cry everyday over him. I do miss him a lot.

i read a meme the otherday that said the hardest choice ever is deciding when to walk away or stay. something along those liness… It’s been 3 short months that seem to have flown by and my feelings for Mitch havent changed. I feel like we broke up yesterday. I can’t even say that I think it’s a good idea for us to be apart. I was for it before, I was mad that he could just leave me like that… so easily. I was shocked that he made such a Uturn on me. I wasn’t expecting it. I thought things were great for the most part. I was also mad that he brought up the past. A place where I dont live anymore. I can to terms with it all, being blamed for everything. I accepted what he felt.

I always knew that this could just be a break for us. We broke during the summer 2 years ago. that was almost 3 months. That was probably more hell than this. He was with Ashely. But then I didnt feel that the breakup would last. Ive never thought any of them would. Amd we always got back together. This time I did have doubt, and I still have doubt. But my feelings are still there.

He unleased a ton of emotion on me yesterday and today. I could tell that he was crying in his texts. He apoligized so many times to me, he said he knew that he has put me through so much pain over something stupid. and i dont deserve it. but he still says hes not over it.

Basically the texts were a cry for attention and to find out if I still love him. and i do. but i still have doubt. life is different. i think i like it better without him. its a toss up. i love him, but he wanted me to move on, and ive started to. every single day i drift away from him. maybe the days that we havent spoke have scared him. he’s losing me.

i dont know the right answer. i told him that i thought love was the right answer. and it should be?

 

but I need to be loved. i can love all i want. and i did. but i need it in return. i deserve it. and i do deserve respect. i did a crime and i did my time for it. learn forgiveness. love me.

i guess time will tell what happens with this situation. im not going to persue him. he can do his own thing. i doubt he can forgive me. and i doubt i will believe him anyway. the love will always be there. jaded.

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Sometime I wonder if I care for my mother. She is such a negative person she has a nasty tongue. I’ve also realized that I’ve grown a backbone with her. I give her more nasty looks and point out her nasty traits. Nasty nasty nasty. I avoid her like the plague. Which I feel guilty about because of my little bro.

I think Mom is nice to Calin to some degree. He is such a good fucking kid. Not a mean bone in his body. Gentle and loving. He doesn’t argue or throw fits. I haven’t seen him cry in years. He’s 8. Sometimes shes short with him, over nothing. He looks me in the eyes and I know how he feels. I think he might be scared of her. But who isnt scared of their parents I guess. I still am.

Out of everything in the world I am thankful for him. I can’t wait till he is older and we connect more on a grownup level. I’m 16 years older than him. I dont think he notices though.

While the whole family was over for christmas dinner we were opening presents. He paused his present opening and got up and was talking with everyone and checking out the other gifts. He made a round and ended up infront of me. I was sitting on the floor. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. I wasnt even paying attention.  it seemed only natural to him and he didn’t even bat a lash. he then bounced across the room….. i was shocked that i just received a kiss of PURE love. and i realized that this little dude is going to love me forever and ever no questions asked.  He is going to be the only family I truly connect with. My mother makes me question our relationship everytime i see her. I dont remember the last time she kissed me….. years. i havent spoken to my father in 10 years. the only time he offered me any kind of love was when i told him I was molested for 6 years of my life. i got hug. the only hug i got from him.

Calin is the only person that can not disappoint me. The only family member that I want to love. <3
i cant wait till you get older till dude. dont lose your cuteness. my forehead is yours for the kissing.

 

 

wa

tch me not edit this entry at all.

you like that?