turkey dinner

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians. I have a huge ham in the oven and I made pecan pies yesterday. I also have a stuffing, but I was told there was already someone else bringing it to the gathering. I’m not sure if I should bring it anyway. My mom will have the whole family over for dinner.

Mitch wont be attending family dinner this year. He has to work. And play squash. I wrote today, mainly to get my feelings out about a situation. Which of course involves mitch,

Last wednesday I was supposed to spend the night at his house. I’m done work at 5 and he’s not done will 9. So I had to go home first and chill. I decided to go to his work early 8. Just in case he was done early, we could take the bus together to his house. Since his work is a private club that I cant get into. I’m forced to wait in the mall below. 9:15 rolls by and I call his work to see how long he has left. The receptionist told me he left at 3.

His phone is on but he’s not answering. He told me he closed that day. So I took a cab to his house. I thought maybe he went home after work and feel asleep. He wasnt home. By that time I had called him 10 times and left a msg saying I knew he was fucking me around. He showed up to his house 10 mins after I arrived in a cab.

I greeted him at the door super pissed off. He told me he was at the casino. He then said he planned on lying to me. He said he knew that I wouldnt be oky with him spending the day at the casino. And that he saw my calls but decided to go home first before answering them.

He went to the casino the day before for the first time in 3 months… only because he was no longer broke. He planned that day that he was going to go again the next day and lie to me about it. premeditated.

How can you lie over something so silly. Break my trust over nothing. How many times has he done this before? Said he had to close and was actually out doing something else. How am I supposed to believe anything?

What pissed me off the most was that I wasted a good part of my night waiting at his work. Then another good hour worrying that something bad was going on.

He was sorry for everything. He knew he fucked up big and that he made the worst mistake. And that he would understand if I broke up with him. He said that we are doomed and that I will never trust him again. He’s so right.

I though we were doing good. I thought our relationship was starting to level out. I’ve been nothing but faithful and honest about everything I do.

What breaks my heart is that he tells me constantly that because I don’t trust him our relationship wont move forward. I stand up for what I believe. If I don’t trust you I DONT FUCKING TRUST YOU. I havent fully trusted him in a long time. Because I know deep down that he can do this shit to me and not bat an eye. I will never trust him.

He blamed me for the not trusting him. He said (before this fiasco) that he wont move in with me until he thinks I trust him. This all came down to me. He made me feel like a bad person… what I really want isnt possible because of ME.

So now what? He won’t move in because he can’t be trustworthy. Seems to change the whole picture.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can keep trying to fix things anymore. He obviously doesnt respect me. Doesn’t feel the same way about this relationship. Doesn’t plan on marrying me, moving in with me. It’s hopeless.

Instead of sucking up to me and kissing my feet. Which is what I expect from someone who just broke my heart. He rather spend the day at his own house and go play squash with his friends. I really feel like he doesnt care that much about me. I think i’ve grown up and he’s stayed the same. It’s going to be so hard to lose him, But it’s best for me.

This relationship makes me feel like shit. I don’t want that anymore. 4.5 years down the drain. Life is fucked.

But my ham smells good. I cant wait to eat it with my family. With my little brother who means the world to me. In the end it’s family that matters. And my kitties