i havent smoke any ganja yet :(

for lack of a better name

lastnight me and mitch had a heart to heart in bed. right after we did the deed he started to talk about how much he loves me. it was a little unexpected. we havent had one of those conversations in a long time. 

it’s been nearly 9ish months since i’ve said "iloveyou"

i do love him, it’s just really hard to see past all the bullshit. which is basically what he was saying lastnight. he’s told me before that there is no future for us. i dont believe thats true, and i dont think he believes that either.

he said that he thinks we should stop seeing eachother because we can never be normal. but he doesn’t want to because he loves me so much. and can’t be away from me for even one night without getting upset. he said that he trusts me, and that he knows i’m not doing anything to hurt him anymore : / (i wouldnt trust me)

he’s upset that i dont trust him. it really bothers him that i don’t believe a word he says. he doesnt want any other pussy and he is totally whipped by me. i kinda believe that. but i dont put it past him to lie again.

the only thing im really worried about his him going out to the club and finding another girl. i dont think he would take her home right away. but if he started an emotional connection with another girl i would be devastated. i can get over cheating as a one time thing, a fling.. but seeing him connect with another girl the way he connects with me… i might kill her. just how i wanted to kill ashely.

he told me that he cant let go of the things i’ve done to him. and that it haunts him.

i’m proud of him for sticking through it with me. any normal person would run for the hills. i’m so unbelievable 🙁 he obviously loves me to death. the fact that we are still together amazes me. all the things we have been through together… maybe he is the one.

i talk about marriage with him so much. he always shoots me down. he says no chance. but i think there is a possibility…. the weirdest thing he said to me last night was. "Lets get married. Then commit suicide together." i was pretty confused. he’s never ever ever been that kind of person.  i questioned the fuck out of that statement. he wants to be together for ever. why not just grow old together and die together?

we talked everything out. he got a lot of feelings off his chest. we talked all the way till 9 am. he had to be up at 12 pm. i hope he feels better now that he unleashed.

then we had sex again. 3 times in 1 day. 🙂 our bodies will always love eachother

on a better note. i got my passport photos taken. time to get my ass in gear and get my passport done. i’ve never had to leave canada so a passport was useless. but now i want to go to mexico. i want to go with mitch, end of march. its gonna happen. im excited.