Brain hurt

What god of fate did I piss off to be sitting here alone. Yes, it’s been over a year. Yes, I been seeing a therapist and psychologist regularly.  Yes, I walked away pretty unscathed in the divorce.

But, these were all choices forced on me. I came home one day last January and the woman I love, the woman who never showed any problems or told me of any issues, never, looked me in the eyes and told me it was over. She has never looked back, never discussed it, immediately “moved on” with a new man, immediately rewrote our history, family, and life.

Over the course of my “break down” from all of this, I learned that I have been dealing with a major mental illness all these years. Every choice I have made since childhood has flooded into my head, all my decisions seem suspect, all my actions, were they wrong? How does someone who had your children, was welcomed into your family and treated better than she ever was in hers, just go and end things in this way?

So here I sit. I have lost everything and still have no clue why. My marriage is over, my friends and family won’t talk to me because my illness shut me down and I didn’t put up the fight they expected me to. They all view my BPD as the “excuse of the week” and show absolutely no caring or understanding.  The world has shutdown with the Corona mess. I can’t make a friend other than faceless people on the net, I love you all and that is not meant as a bad thing, I just do not have anyone around me here.

There is no social stuff to do. No bars to go to. No church. No movies or restaurants.  No calls of concern. No calls to BS.  No work. And here I sit with Borderline Personality Disorder all alone, trying to “fix” me, fix 30+ years of shit. Trying to be a 49 year old copy of my father and failing miserably, failing miserably to be an adult, and a man