from sum1 i dunno #2
Thursday, January 27, 2005
When I was little, all I wanted to be was “a big kid.” I wanted to be a ‘grown up.’ To my young eyes, they had it all. They could stay out late, do whatever they wanted, when they wanted, drive themselves places, watch all the shows and movies on tv, etc. To put it in one word, they had ‘independence,” something I had always thought would be great. Even when I was a kid, I was more independent then all the other kids my age.. I could make my own dinner, knew a lot of the ‘adult’ language upon many other things. I was dependent on my parents, but at the same time I wasnt. At the same time, I liked to be by myself, and do things my way. I liked relying on myself to get things done. Sure, my family and friends did a lot for me, and they still do, but I like(d) the fact I could do things on my own without the help of everyone else. When someone would see me struggling to do something, whether it be homework, or reach the cabnits, they’d come to help me and Id make a scene and refuse their offer because “I was a big girl. I could do it by myself.” If I didnt do certain things by myself, it was out of pure laziness. That was the only time I let anyone help me.
My independence only grew stronger each birthday. It seemed everytime I grew a year older, I became more mature and more self-reliant than I was the year before– and I didnt mind that; actually, I embraced it and welcomed it with open arms. My dream of being a ‘big girl’ was slowly becoming a reality.
But now, as I reflect back on all of this.. I wonder if this was all such a good thing. While I did play with my friends, especially my best friend steph.. we went on adventures and always played make-believe, and while I still played with all of my toys; barbies, stuffed animals, polly-pockets.. I always wanted to pretend I was a doctor, a teacher, a vet or whatever.. or when my cousin and I used to play house or sisters.. I would be the big sister most of the time- I was more mature than the others and kept to myself. Thinking about it now, I realized that I was a very private person, even as a child.. just as I am now.. when all the other kids were more free-spirited and open about what they were feeling. Now, I am always the mature one out of my friends.. usually. People turn to me for advice, or when they need something and I love the fact that they can rely and trust me. My favorite thing to do is help someone else.. and maybe I worked up to this as a child? Who knows. I was in a rush to grow up. Why, I couldnt tell you now.. but when I was 6, I bet I could explain it to you in perfect detail. I saw something exciting and appealing about being a ‘grown up.’ I always had a thing for looking up to people. I always wanted to be just like them.. and that is still the case now. Writing this all out is realizing how I got to be the way I am. Everything traces back to my childhood and I am seeing that I was not so different as a child, then I am now.
Every little boy or girl dreams of being older at one time or another in their lives.. they see something that looks appealing to them and when your young.. you just see the fun in everything.. you dont see or understand everything else that comes along with it. That was my problem. People would ask me what I wanted to be and I said I want to be a “big girl” or when I got a little older, I would say, ‘oh I dont know..’ and they would respond to me with ‘thats nice.. but being a grown up or being a big kid isnt all its made out to be’ and I couldnt understand why they would say that to me. I know what they mean now though. I am finally begin to understand. I didnt see the whole package that came along with being a ‘big girl’ I just saw the fun and games and all of the advantages.. I didnt take the time to look for the downfalls.. and I dont think I would have understood them even if I did see them. As smart of a girl that I was, I dont think I was that smart yet.. Now, I see that it is not all what it is played out to be. There is a lot more responsibility.. challenges, stress.. work.. etc. The weight all of a sudden came full force. It hit me.. it finally hit me.
When I was a little girl.. I didnt feel stress, I didnt worry about how I looked, I didnt care so much of what other people thought of me.. When I was a little girl.. I didnt have to worry about having my period..about passing my drivers license, about what I looked like, getting to practice on time, or how much time I had to do my homemwork or whatever. I didnt have any responsibilities I didnt want or couldnt handle.. and I didnt understand ‘life’ itself.. not saying I do now.. because com’on, lets be honest now.. who really does understand the meaning of life? but now I do understand and realize soo much.. my eyes are more open now and everyday Im learning something new. One big difference of becoming a little girl to a big girl…. I feel a lot more. Feeling and understanding were the two major factors that came into play when transforming into a big girl.
Reflecting on all of this now.. I look back and regret the fact that I spent so much of my time working towards being a big kid.. when I missed the chance of really living and being a little girl. Maybe if I would have stuck out being a little girl, just a little longer, I would have made different choices, chose different paths..I would have been a different person than I am today.. but I will never know.. I didnt enjoy the time and pleasure of being a little girl when I had the chance. I didnt take advantage of what I had in front of me. When I thought that the adults were the only ones who were lucky because they were so free to do what they wanted.. I was missing a big factor.. right in front of my eyes.. to my surprise.. I was free. I was free to be myself and and express myself. No one judged me when I was little.. no one cared. I could say something and no one would jump on it and take it the wrong way.. I could make mistakes without having to pay big time for them later.. I could play make-believe and pretend if I wanted, and not be thought of as a weirdo.. I was able to be me. I was Rachel.. I laughed uncontrollably at times.. and I cried for hours at a time.. yet– no one judged me. I could eat a whole box of cookies.. and no one would call me fat. When I was a little girl.. I could come home from school and just sit and watch tv.. without worrying what I had to do next. I have realized.. being free-spiritied is more fun than being free. I have realized indpendence isnt everything.. that you do need others in your life at times. When we’re babies, we need others to take care of us to survive, right? and when we’re old and and gray.. walking with a cane.. we need others to take care of us and survive, dont we? Well, heres the secret– in between those years.. we need others to survive as well.
When I was a little, I dreamed about being a ‘big girl.’ I wanted to grow up so fast.. but now that I have reached my dream.. I have another..
I wish I was a little girl again.
<hey, i dun want to be a little girl again tho~ but i luv this writing~ it’s great~!! most of all is my feeling actually~ but um….. i still wanna be a big girl right now….. maybe someday i
will regret like her? i dun think so :P>