from sum1 i dunno

         
Tuesday, January
25, 2005

I always dream of things that could never be reality. I am always wanting
what I cant have. I set my goals so high that I sometimes wonder if their even
reachable? I could be spending my whole life trying to accomplish these goals,
and I may never succeed in doing so because I set my standards to high. I think
its time I realize that I cannot always have what I wish to have. I think its
time to let go.. let go of what I hope could happen. Maybe I am trying to hard?
I dont know.. Im doing something wrong.. and I cant pin-point exactly what that
is but I do have a few ideas. Rach, its time to let go. Let the world take its
course.. and things will happen as they are supposed to.. at their own time.

I have always been taught to follow my dreams and to never give up. I even
give this advice when people come to me.. and every word I just wrote is true.
You should always follow your dreams and you should never give up on anything..
if you do, you must not want it that bad. I just feel like this time, its simply
impossible. I sometimes wonder if I would have done things differently in the
past.. my first impression.. maybe that would have changed the present.. but I
cant just keep saying “what if” what happened, happened and I cannot erase the
past. I can change the future, but I dont know if there is any hope for me. I
know one day, Im going to look back, and go Rach, what would have happened if
you wouldnt have let go of this dream? What would it be like now? I dont want to
look back on now and say what if.. but my hope is running out. I need a little
boost of confiedence and faith.. I need a sign to show me Im heading in the
right direction. something..anything??

So, now, in writing both of those paragraphs.. Im seeing that I really dont
know what I want to do..and that I am very confused. Whats the topic you ask?
Well, its kind of personal.. one that not many people would understand.. I dont
even think I could explain it in a way you could understand.. I think if you
havent felt or been in the same situation, its a tough concept to grasp.. but
again, many of you may have been in this situation, I dont know. If you would
like to know what I am talking about.. please feel free to email me. Its just
not something I feel like explaining on here.

but I do have something to say to people in general:

I am not as different from you than you think. I think you would be surprised
how much we have in common. We have a lot of the same hobbies and a lot of the
same interests, even values. But I dont think you will ever know that because
you dont really take the time to see it or maybe you dont want to see it. I know
you are really busy and have so many things to do and people around you.. but
sometimes, I just wish you could see that we’re not so different. There are so
many things I would love to say to you.. but its hard to get out the right
words.. especially when I know you dont even read this. If I knew you did, maybe
I would write something more in detail. I dont know.. I dont know much of
anything anymore.

Take care everyone.. hope everyones doing great!

—  I just want to be in control….