I am hurting

a lot and it’s not going away.

So , I did the thing where I didn’t talk to him for 4 days and was very busy with plans all the time so that I don’t think about him.  It worked but I still thought about him because everything that I went out in the city to do , I thought would be more fun if I did it with him because I went with people I just met and so it’s not quite ‘comfortable’.  So, I always kinda just be mellow and let the group do what they want and go along so I don’t really do what I had wanted to do.  With him, it’s just the two of us , so he let’s me do what I want.

But anyway,

In that time, he emailed that girl a bunch of times. Went and took her out to a birthday dinner and paid for it on a saturday night. He lied to me twice and told me he told her he has a gf already when in fact he still has not done that. He didn’t tell me he went to dinner until two weeks and lied about it in the meantime.  He hasn’t hugged her, kissed her, or told her he likes her or anything like that explicitly.  Now, he is telling me that he is going to tell her about me, he is just looking for the right time etc.  He is telling me that he realizes how much he misses me now that he went with her and that I am so full of life and no one is ever going to be like me etc. And that "she has become a very good friend of mine so I don’t want to loose that friendship".

If I were anyone else, I would be screaming BREAK UP WITH HIM no doubt. What he is doing is all too obvious. But for whatever reason I don’t seem able to do that.  And the reason is I believe all the second half of what he told me.  I sincerely think that he is going to get over her and things are going to be okay with us. It’s just a matter of me giving him enough time to realize what role I play in his life.  Am I foolish? maybe.  Do I deserve to have to wait for him to figure it out? No. Am I willing to? Yes.

I don’t know who to talk to about this.  I don’t think anyone knows or understands the extent of our relationship. I have been best friends with him since I was 14. I have had the idea of marrying him since I was 14.  My future husband has never been a question mark to me in all of my adult life. So now when I try to break up with him, what does it mean? What am I supposed to do? Yes, don’t talk to him or hang out with him.  I think I could manage that.  But psychologically?  Erase him as the future from my mind? How? Replace him with what?