do you have to be so strong?

Theres just to much that time cannot erase….
i wish the thoughts would die. i wish the pain would ease, i wish i could sleep. i wish the memories would just slow down long enough for me to catch up. i wish i didn’t hurt so badly. deb keeps saying that i am not as seperate as i think i am. i hope she is wrong. i really hope she is. when i think about other parts of me, and what they went through it makes me so sad. and i feel really bad because they had to go through that. i know its wrong, but im really glad it was them and not me, not that i haven’t been through enough on my own. but like Astrid, she’s such a little tiny thing, and he hurt her so badly she can’t speak. And its really scary for me, because i know that i am Astrid, or she is me, and that we aren’t at all as seperate as i keep thinking we are. and thats when i realize that he hurt me. the little tiny girl me.Its kind of validating also because i realize that im not crazyand that this pain and the nightmares and stuff, that its all real and it did happen. im not sure if that makes any sense. its just really hard. you know? hard to remember, hard to forget. i want what astrid wants, what bella wants, what lori wants, what we all want. what all human beings want, i want love. but i am not a little girl. i have to do the things that no one else can do. i have to go to school, and work, and deal with real people outside our brain, outside the safe walls of our castle. they live a life of secrets and dependency and are stuck in time. while i have to deal with yesterday and today. its very hard, and i’ve had several meltdowns.

I wish i could explain the betrayal i feel from my dad, when i think about all the things he did to me. all the things he took from me. my childhood, my innocense, alot. how can someone you love and look up to hurt you so fucking bad. how does that even work? there was no remorse, no guilt, i mean i wasn’t with him on his dying bed, i doubt he even repented. im just saying, he was a wolf in sheeps skin to me. the end result…well look at me.

I can’t stop crying, i just need a bit of reliefe from the the hurt. i need to go now. sorry if this doesn’t make any sense.

love,
K