a new flashback

i am a little girl. i am wearing pink sandals. they are small and a really deep shade of pink. they are my favorite sandals but they are starting to get too small. i am wearing a summer jumper. i hate this kind of jumper because it buttons in the back and it’s hard to get off when i have to pee. i’ve learned to scoot the shorts and my panties to one side and squat when i need to pee, and not to wait until the last minute. i am looking down at my sandals while he is unbuttoning my outfit. He is breathing hard and i know he is struggling with the buttons. When he is finished unbuttoning me the sleeves fall off my shoulders and the jumper falls down my body. Now i am standing there in my panties and my pink sandals. Instinctively i lay down on the bed, this isn’t anything new. his calloused hands are shaky and rough like sandpaper, even though he is trying to be gentle he scratches my skin when he touches me. i don’t look at him. in my head i pretend it’s not even him, but i know his touch by heart, from memory. he kisses me. his kisses are heavy, he presses his face into mine and our noses rub, his breath is hot and he smells like coffee. no matter what time of day he has coffee on his breath. he sticks his tongue into my mouth and i hold my breath. he kisses me down my neck to my chest. i don’t have breast, not even budding breast. nothing. i have nothing. if i had to guess my age i may be 7 or 8. he sucks on my non existent breast and it hurts. i lay perfectly still though, i only move my eyes, i focus on holding my breath. i pretend i am in the water and i am holding my breath. i count the seconds in my head, when my lungs feel as though they are going to burst i take in a deep gulp of air. in my mind its water. im allowing water to enter my lungs. im drowning. his kisses travel down my stomach to my thighs. he removes my panties. he slides them down my legs and then lets them fall to the floor. i imagine my mom yelling at me for not putting my dirty clothes in the hamper. i take in a deep breath of real air, i feel light headed. he kisses me between my legs. his facial hair scratches me. i have that funny feeling in my stomach, like i have to pee, but i know to hold it. everything happens in a certain order. he’s preparing me for what comes last. when he is done kissing me between my legs he fondles me. when i finally told about the abuse that’s what the social worker called it, fondling. but that sounds so simple, that word, it sounds like something you would do to inanimate object. not a person. not a child. not a little girl. He uses his fingers which are long and thick and rough. he uses one finger. then two, and then three. he is big and i am small so he has to make room. he says how small i am, he has to make room. i know that this hurts, but i’ve learned to disconnect myself from pain. from all kinds of pain. when my mom is beating me i don’t even cry anymore. i bend over and touch my ankles while she paddles me. i know this makes her angry; she likes it when i cry. but i’ve learned not to cry anymore. tears never solve anything. when he is done making room in my small body for himself he stands up and pulls his pants down. he is already hard. he positions me in a way that is terribly uncomfortable. my knees are on my chest and he tells me to hold this position. i grab the bottoms of my sandals to hold my legs up. i take a deep breath and i hold it and then i feel my world turn upside down. i hear a loud pop followed a by paralyzing pain in my hip. i bite my tongue to hold back the tears; i think my hip is broken. as if him going inside me wasn’t painful enough, him coming out felt like he was made of glass. he’s tearing my insides. surely this hurts him too. i try to take my mind off the pain between my legs; i imagine i am banging my head. i am banging and banging and banging. i hear a crack and my head splits open and my brain falls out in a tangled bloody mess. i think about how much that would hurt, and how it would feel good at the same time. i can hear myself screaming inside my head but i know im not making a sound because im biting my tongue. when he is done destroying me, when he has released inside of me, and sweat is rolling down his face, landing on my legs, he stands up and limps away. i lay there on my bed clenching my ankles, afraid to move. Afraid if i move the pain will catch up with my brain. i lay there until i get cold and i realize my mom will be home soon, and she will be angry if she see’s me lying around like this in the middle of the day. it is hot outside, and i want to go out and play, but i can’t seem to get my legs to move properly. i try to sit up but my hip screams at me. it takes me forever to make my way down the hall to the bathroom. when i stand my hip slips out of joint, so i crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom. i grab a face clothe to clean myself up. I was between my legs, and the soap stings, the water turns pink as i rinse the face clothe out. i manage to put my panties back on and i slip back into my summer jumper. i crawl in my bed and i pull the sheets over my head. Mom will just have to be mad, i think im sick.

PIECES,
K.O.W