friends?

I have had a recent fallin out with my friend "L" again. And I know I am gonna get shit fer this later, but at this point, I could care less. Ever since the blow out ‘tween me, her, "C", and "C’s" parents, things haven’t quite been the same. Actually, since she started datin him things haven’t been the same between us. Her and I haven’t really talked much since the blow out. Mainly cuz she said that we needed to "take a break" from eachother. So, other then the normal "how are you’s" through email durin work, we really haven’t talked. This last week, she emailed me at work and asked me if she had done somethin wrong to piss me off cuz we weren’t talkin all that much anymore. I told her no, that I have just been busy lately with this new job and what not. She then turned around and said to me that she feels that I am ignorin her and it sux. She brought up how when I used to hang out with my friend "M" I would ignore her. And now that "M" isn’t as close basically, I am hangin out with another friend. And I never call her anymore. I replied by tellin her that I wasn’t goin to get into this convo with her while I was at work. I don’t remember her reply, but she said somethin, then said that she hoped that I have a nice weekend. Nuthin was said after that. I had an ok weekend.

I got a text from someone this weekend that I haven’t heard from in awhile. And to be honest, I didn’t think I would either. Round midnite on Sat nite, I was textin my friend "K" and when my phone went off with another text, I didn’t think anythin of it till I opened my phone and the message said, "Hey this is "R",  just wanted to say hi and see how u r doin, hope yer not still mad at me." Needless to say he came over and we talked all nite long. He apologized fer what happened. And told me that he had felt bad bout it fer some time now, but had just finally grown the balls to call me and apologize.  The convo went well. Atleast I thought it did. Guess we will see, huh?

Anyways, I haven’t been online all weekend, fer other reasons as well. So, I got online tonite, and I got this email from "L." :

T,
I am not trying to put a guilt trip on your or make you choose who to hang out with.  I am sorry I guess that you and I have different values in friendships.  I don’t do anything to do or at least I don’t think I do.  I am sorry that I want to tell you how I feel and I am sorry that it has to be over your work e-mail that seems to be the only time that you have available to get back to me.  I feel that I pick up the phone to you more then I do to me, but maybe that is just me. I feel that I am the one that is always asking you to go get something to eat, to go out dancing.  When is the last time you picked up the phone and asked me to do anything?  you just assume that I am to busy or you have other things going on. things have totally gone down the drain since all of the shit hit the fan with you and "D" and I and "C" and it sucks.  I don’t know why you are irriated I am sorry that I express my feelings

I think I sat on this email fer an hour before I finally replied to it:

 
"L",
 
I never said you were tryin to put me on a guilt trip. It just seems that lately I am the one that is the bad friend and always doin somethin wrong. You asked me one time if I actually thought I was a good friend to you. I don’t understand why you asked me that when lately you have made it obvious that I’m not. I am sorry that you feel that yer makin all the effort, and I am not makin any. Yes, you have asked me to meet a few times. But ya know what, I don’t have money to spend to go out all the time. I wish I did, but I don’t.
 
I don’t see how friendship values is an issue here. Yer the only person I know that has an issue with me. Yer the only person that I know that gets upset cuz I don’t call you all the time, or hang out with you all the time. I have few friends, that is true. And I am sorry that you don’t approve of any of them. But they are still my friends. And they have been there fer me when I needed them, and vice versa. I may not be a good friend to you, but that is yer opinion. And apparently yer the only one that has that opinion. I have tried to be a good friend to you. But I get really tired of hearin how bad a person I am, of how my actions are bad, or how I make bad decisions or make excuses.
 
You want to know the real reason why I don’t call? That is it. I am tired of gettin lectured on my decisions, and everythin else.  If I want a lecture, I will call my mom. Plus, as much as I love "C", you and I have yet to hang out just you and me since yall have gotten together.  Yeah we have gone out a few times, but everytime, he always ends up showin up later after he gets off from work. Don’t get me wrong, I have nuthin against him. But a nite out with my friend is not too much to ask fer.
 
Not to mention, you got upset at me fer puttin my feelins in my diary before goin to you about them. It works both ways. I have had to hear from "C" how you feel bout our friendship. I know that when it comes to certain issues, you have no quarms bout lettin me know how you feel, but apparently it isn’t completely that way. Not to mention what he told me didn’t even sound right. He told me that there were numerous time that you and I had planned to go out and I at the last minute cancelled those plans. If memory serves, after yall got together, we rarely actually made plans. It was never set in stone. And as far as meetin at Denny’s and what not, I used to ask you all the time if you wanted to meet fer a bite to eat. You would tell me that most likely you could, then change yer mind and cancel on me later. We have both done this to eachother.
 
Yes, I know I screwed up in the beginnin of our friendship. But since then it seems that I can’t do anythin right in yer eyes. I wanted so badly to call u this weekend. Why didn’t I? Cuz I knew what you would say to me. I knew that I was gonna get another lecture. I actually picked up my phone and started the text message, then cancelled it at the last minute. Ya know, it sux when I have to think twice bout contactin a friend. I don’t have to do that with any of my other friends. Just you. Why is that?
 
Ya know, I know I am far from perfect. I have my issues that I need to deal with and work out. I know that I can’t be the perfect friend to you. But God knows I have tried to be a good friend. Yer right, since the blow out with everyone, things haven’t been the same ‘tween us. I believe you were the one that said we needed to take a break. How can we take a break if yer constantly gettin upset at me fer not callin, or not textin, or not wantin to hang out? I miss goin out dancin with you. I miss hangin out with you. But I don’t want to continue to be made to feel like I am not worthy of yer friendship. And lately that’s how you have made me feel.
 
And ya wanna know the sad part bout this whole thing is? When you read this, yer gonna turn it around on me. Yes, I am bein selfish. But ya know what, I have that right. I value all my friends, includin you. But none of my friends have made me feel this way.
 
If I am such a bad friend, I am curious why you still talk to me?

I actually thought twice bout sendin this email. Do I sound selfish? Am I wrong? Is this worth it to get into it again over? Am I that bad of a friend? I don’t know how else to explain to her how I feel without puttin all the blame on her. Cuz that isn’t what I want to do. And I know that it isn’t entirely her fault. I know that I should call her more. But I am truly afraid of what she will say to me when I do. I know that I have an issue with when I hang out with one friend, I tend to, not ignore, but put off my other friends. I don’t mean to. It just happens. It isn’t intentional. But ya know what, I don’t like bein reminded all the time that I am a bad friend by one person, and all my other friends tell me otherwise. I was talkin to my friend "K" bout this tonite. She actually told me that I am a great friend, and that I should listen to this. I told her I know, but I can’t help it. It hurts when I have to deal with this. Like I said in my email to "L," I value all my friends. But ya know what, it is hard to value a friend when they do nuthin but lecture you on yer decisions and other stuff. How can you value that?