10/8/05

Well, tomorrow will prove to be a interestin day fer me. I am to wake up early, get ready as if I were goin to work, then be at my mom’s by 7am. Then we are leavin to drive fer like 2 hours south of here to go to a weddin, my cousin’s weddin. Since all this crap with the Ex has happened, I have avoided anythin that has to do with gettin married or weddins. Been really hard fer me to handle my own marriage fallin apart, let alone watchin someone else do what I still want. Don’t get me wrong, I am still movin forward with my life, but it might prove to be a hard situation to handle. I love my cousin, and I am very very happy fer her. I guess it is hard to explain. Bein happy fer someone and at the same time bein depressed that it didn’t work out fer me. But, on that same note, ya never know, I might meet someone while I am there. Though it will mostly be family, so I doubt that will happen.

But like I said, tomorrow will prove to be a test of strength. I am still not sure how I am gonna handle it yet. I dunno if I will be able to sit there and enjoy myself. Or, if it is too overwhelmin and painful. In my normal day to day life, I am doin better. I don’t think of him as often as I was before. He still crosses my mind on occassion. And yes, I do still miss him. I still want him back. But I am dealin better with it all. But that is different. I dunno how to really explain it. Other then to say what I have said already 2 times, tomorrow will be a test fer me. I see it as if I can get through the day without breakin down, then things are lookin good fer my future, that it is easier with each passin day. But if I can’t get through it, if I end up breakin down, then I guess that means that I am not as strong as I, and everyone else, thought I was. 

I am drivin by myself, followin behind my mother. She is a little upset that we are takin 2 cars and wastin gas, what with the price of gas these days. EEKKKKK!!! $40 to fill up my little bitty 14 gallon tank from empty!!!!   But I told her that when I am ready to go, I don’t want to have to sit and wait fer her to finish talkin, that could take ALL nite, especially when she gets round the family. Ya just can’t shut the woman up, God love her lol. But just the same, when I want to leave, I want to be able to go, thus why I am takin my own car.

So, wish me luck, I might need it. Keep me in yer prayers, or whatever u choose to keep me in.