Sooooo hard
These past few weeks have been very hard fer me. I have been tryin to keep busy so that I don’t think bout him. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t do a bit of good. I put on a smile so others won’t feel sorry fer me. Or so no one thinks "Oh here we go again, can’t she just get over it? I am tired of hearin bout it." That’s what I think other people are thinkin. I guess it’s my paranoid side talkin? I dunno. All I know is how I feel, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get over him. I talked to him Labor Day nite. I told him that I as hard as it is fer me to do, I realized that there is nuthin I can say or do to make him change his mind and work things out with me. All I want is fer him to be happy. Granted I would prefer it be with me, but at this point I guess it isn’t. But supposedly he is happy with the new g/f, and that is good I guess. I told him that if it is what he wants, then I guess we can remain friends, but let him know that it would be hard fer me to do. He promised me that he would try to not mention her name when we talk, but since then, he hasn’t been very good at it.
I haven’t heard from him in 2 days. I am not callin him right now. It hurts too much. It isn’t cuz I don’t want to, cuz GOD knows I am dyin to hear his voice. But what is the point? Put myself through more pain then I need to go through? The last time we went through this, me not callin him, he assumed that I was "blowin him off". Unfortunately, that couldn’t be further from the truth. But it’s just hard to tell him how I feel with out lookin like a pathetic sap who won’t get over it. Ya know what I mean? He used to say that I express myself better in writin. And I know he reads this diary of mine every once and awhile. I can only hope that he truly understands what this is doin to me. The songs that I have posted in my few previous entries almost completely explain how I feel. I heard a new one the other day, And yall know me, here it is. I have replaced the "gender" terms with their opposites, to better explain my thoughts:
Chris Cagle
"Miss me Baby"
Miss me baby
When you hear our favourite song,
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In moonlight to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby.
And want me honey,
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn’t wait anymore.
Left the keys in the door, took my hand
Pulled me down on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, we were that crazy
Then miss me baby.
Chorus:
Because when he’s(she’s) holding you,
Know that it’s killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl(boy)
That you can’t sleep
And everytime you feel his(her) touch,
I pray to God it’s not enough
And that I’ve touched your heart so deep
Girl,(boy) you can’t shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.
Miss me baby,
Until you can’t take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I’m a man(woman), I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home
I’ll be waiting
Right here waiting
Miss me baby.
Chorus:
Because when he’s(she’s) holding you,
Know that it’s killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl(boy)
That you can’t sleep
And everytime you feel his(her) touch,
I pray to God it’s not enough
And that I’ve touched your heart so deep
Girl(boy), you can’t shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.
Everytime you hear this song,
Miss me baby…
Like I have said before, all I do is find that I compare other guys to him. I am tired of bein told that I can do better. I don’t want anyone else. I only want him. I wish people could understand that. I am not like the bitch he knocked up. She apparently feels that if she can’t have him, then no one else should. I just feel that if I can’t have him, I don’t want anyone else. Like I said before, I don’t want him to think that I am blowin him off, cuz I am not tryin to. I guess I just don’t know any other way to deal with the way I am feelin these days. He said he would call, he hasn’t since the other day. A friend of mine mentioned that it may be possible that the only reason he continues to talk to me is cuz I am his "back up," ya know, in case things don’t work out with the g/f. With everythin that we have been through, I find that hard to believe, but at the same time, it is possible. I also found out a few things the other day from a very reliable source that he kept secrets from me through out our marriage. It is hard to imagine that he did this. I am still not sure, though the source it came from I trust with my life. But again, it is hard to imagine that the man I love would do that to me. After everythin we promised eachother.
Does he really love me? Or is he really playin me? I guess I will never really know, unless he actually decides to be honest with me. And I am not even sure if he has been completely honest as it is. I think part of what he tells me is true, and other things he says just cuz he thinks it’s what I want to hear. Like I said, guess I will never really know, huh? It’s just hard to go through each day, wonderin. Wonderin all of these things and more.
Again, I want him, but I also want him to be happy. I can’t help but continue to hope and pray, pray that somethin will happen, somethin that will turn things around in my life. I can only hope that it happens soon.