it’s been a while.

well, today i graduated from EMU. my family and boyfriend were there beaming with pride.

while attending to the goings on, i got a voicemail from a "friend" that i have pretty much lost contact with.  this was both by choice and because sometimes in our course of life, our paths go off in different directions.  still feeling angry about our last encounter over AIM, i deleted the message before listening to it.  i told myself i wasn’t going to let her rain on my parade.  i came home, watched a movie, and was trying to go to sleep when my phone rang.  it was her. i ignored it and let her leave another message.  listening to this one, she says things like "something horrible happened to me", "i’m really fucked up", "please return this call".  i delete the message again.  i feel a twinge of guilt for this but at the same time my own hurt and my own anger quieted it.  i then turned back on my laptop because obviously i am not going to sleep anytime soon, and found a livejournal entry written by her.

she has been sexually assaulted to some degree. i am really not sure as her entry was quite cryptic as to the extent of the assault, but i do know that anything of that nature is quite serious.  i think about calling, but i don’t.  i won’t.

maybe it is selfish.  however, i am even more hurt by the fact that the only time she feels the need to get ahold of me is when something gets fucked up in her life and she needs help.  that is not my definition of friendship.  friendship is calling to check in, see what’s up with your life, not only calling when something fucked up happens.  i do hurt for her and feel horribly sad for the fact that something as disgusting as this has happened to her, but at the same time it feels like she is such a distant and different person now, i wouldn’t know what to do.  i don’t know her anymore.  no doubt she has changed in the last year or so that it has been since we have seen each other.  and i also find comfort in the fact that i know that she is not alone.  she has loads of friends, she always has.  yeah, maybe we have known each other since we were kids…but i haven’t heard from her in 6 months at least.  what does that say about our friendship?   to me, it says it’s over.  i can’t be there for her no matter how much i want to be because i’m just not the same person any more.  i don’t know that friendship anymore, i don’t know that girl.  it’s so foreign to me now.

i have always been the not-so-smart, but pretty, boy-hungry, emotionally vulnerable and not so concerned about academia friend to her.  she has always had a certain way of making me feel that i am less than her because i don’t get straight A’s and i don’t waste my nights studying until 4 am.  a few months ago when she messaged me i asked what she was up to and she said she was in class.  i told her that she was supposed to be the studious one, so shouldn’t she be paying attention.  and she retorted back with "well, i have gotten A’s on every assignment so i think i can afford to slack off."  wow. okay.  i had been telling her for years to relax and have fun with life, not to worry so much about making a 4.0, and then when i make a joke about her being the studious one she shoots it back at me like i’m a moron.  then when she asked if i wanted to hang out later that week she prefaced it by saying "i know you spend all your time with zach…"  yeah. all my time.  minus the 33 or so hours a week a work and the 2 days a week i’m at school, and then 30 minute travel time to his house i must spend every waking hour with him.  not the casie.  do i spend the majority of my free time with him?  of course.  he is the love of my life.  he calls me every day.  he is there when i need or want him to be.  that doesn’t mean i can’t sacrifice a bit of time with him to hang out with friends.  he encourages me to do so, and i do when the chance arises.  however, i will not be made to feel guilty about choosing to be with him, just because you don’t care for him.  just because maybe you are a little bit jealous that i found someone who loves me for who i am and doesn’t want me to be someone else. 

i have already faced the facts and found peace in the fact that our friendship has lost it’s way and our paths have gone in different directions.  i have accepted the choices that we have each made and there is no hole in my heart to need to relive the same guilt-trodden i’m sorry’s we’ve shared before.  i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.  i don’t think i can do anything.