11/9/07

so i finally have some time to sit down and write a real entry.

about two or three weeks ago, zachary and i went out to grab a bite to eat when i got off work.  we went to zorba’s, a 24 hour coney island.  anyway, we’re sitting there and i had been feeling like things were off between us for the past couple of days.  turns out i was right.  the conversation went something like this:

zach – "i haven’t been completely honest with you."

me – tears welling, surprised face, body filling with buzzing energy and rage "…what?"

zach – "last friday after i left your house i didn’t go home. i went to kathryn’s."

backstory: kathryn is his ex girlfriend. the one who cheated on him. the one he got back together with numerous times.  the one who spread rumors and stole my poetry.  the one who broke his heart and made it nearly impossible for me to break into it.  the only girl in this world who has the least bit of potential to ruin my relationship.

anyway, i was quiet for the rest of the time we were there.  i know he hates it when i do that, but sometimes when i’m hit with something like that, i freeze.  i can’t speak or think.  my first instinct was to tell him fuck you, throw my drink in his face and run out of there.  but i didn’t. i sat.  mostly we sat in silence.  he explained to me that he had things leftover from their relationship that he needed to "get out of his system".  i can understand that.  the part that hurt me was that he lied to me about it.  apparently they had been in contact for a while via myspace.  i have no idea what words have passed between them, because it is their business and i don’t wish to be a part of that mess.  but it scares me to death that they are in contact again.  even though he has told me time and time again that he loves me and they aren’t going to be friends or in constant contact, and he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me, i just can’t shake that scared feeling.  it’s her.  she scares me.  she intimidates me.  she brings my intense relationship insecurities to the surface.  i told zach that until i hear it from her, i am not going to trust a single thing that passes between them.  and even if she did tell me, why should i trust her? she is manipulative, and i know what she can do.  all i can do is trust that he loves me and trust that he won’t fall for her games again.

ever since then, things have been a little different between us.  in good ways and bad.  i’d like to think that our communication has improved a little bit.  i’m trying to be more open with my emotions, even if it makes me feel like an emotional retard (which i tend to be…a lot).  in return, he’s trying not to let my dumb insecurities break us down.  i can’t help being insecure, and i know it’s because of my lack of relationship with my father, and my shitty relationship with my ex.  i know the reason i don’t say much about my emotions is because in the past when i have done that i have been made out to be stupid or naive. 

i told zachary the other night that i feel lost.  not with him…but like i don’t quite know who i am or what i believe in.  this lost feeling only makes it harder for me to communicate.  so, we’ve decided to embark on a sort of exploration in religion.  yes my friends, i am going to read the bible and find a church.  as logical as i am, i know that the best place to start is research. so i’m going to research the history of christianity and see how it feels to me.  i’m testing the waters, so to speak.  as i’ve said before, i’ve never been a person of faith, but i want to learn about it, i want to discover it and see if believing in God is inside of me somewhere.  i know that there has to be something out there, i can feel it in my heart.  i know that i didn’t finally run into zach for no reason, and i know that our relationship is leading to something amazing.  we are together for a reason, we are meant to do something with our love for each other. 

he’s moving to florida shortly after our 1 year anniversary.  i know that this is going to be a really hard thing for me to do, because i spend most of my time with him.  but he wants me to be more social, and he needs to get away for a while, to find himself again.  he wants to go back to the person i first fell for back in high school.  he’s decided to quit drinking after his 21st birthday (there’s no way he can avoid that with his group of friends, haha), and he’s going to try to get back in school and church.  all things which i think are good for him.  i know that he will succeed in all that he does while in florida, my fear is that it will widen a gap between us.  i don’t want that to happen.  i’m afraid that while he’s gone, instead of finding myself, i’ll fall back into my comfort zone and not make any friends or go anywhere.

my ex best friend recently contacted me in response to the myspace blog i posted not long ago.  she apologized for the way she acted and said that she had no excuse for it.  it felt good to hear that from her.  she asked if i would like to get together sometime and talk.  i’m not quite sure if that’s something i want to do right now.  i have changed a lot since our relationship fell apart and i’m sure she has as well.  getting together with her could make things better for me…but it could also make things worse.  also, zach is absolutely not a fan of her…and he really doesn’t support me rekindling any kind of friendship with her, mostly because of how destructive she was to my self-esteem.  but i don’t know.  before things got to where they were with her…she was the best friend i ever had.  she didn’t judge me.  she didn’t push me.  she just…listened to me.  i’m just very torn at this point.  to i take that chance to regain the pureness of our friendship at it’s best, or take that chance of falling back into her destructive personality?  i just don’t know.

basically the emoticon that describes me right now is