[[108]] on letting go.

I have a hard time letting things go.  I know this.  I am still hanging on to the anger I feel towards my father for his alcoholism, the way he treated my mother and the way he treated me.  Even though he is on meds now, and has been sober for 3 years.  Even though he finally appreciates the life he has been blessed with, I am still angry.

I still feel so burned by some of the people I used to surround myself with.  The ones who made me look in the mirror and see FAT.  The ones who listened to my words and heard STUPID.  The ones who took my actions as ABANDONMENT, SLUT, and PORNOGRAPHIC.  It doesn’t matter that I am a healthy 126 lbs, or that I had a 3.4 GPA, or that I’ve finally come out of my shell and found a group of friends to rely on.

What matters is I still feel FAT and STUPID.  I know I’m not — but it’s true that if you hear something enough you start to believe it.  I just want to let go of the bitterness.  To accept that the people who were in my life did not love me and their owrds were full of hate and manipulation.  To know that I am better off without them in my life.  Not to feel like I have to PROVE to them that
I am stronger and better than they could ever be.

I hold on to my anger like an anchor…and it’s weighing me down.