[[93]] the loss of it all.

valentine’s day was wonderful. zachary sent flowers to my house in the morning, and then he came to my house with a half a dozen roses and godiva chocolates. then we went to dinner at this cute little restaurante called moro’s in allen park, and went back to his place and watched the notebook. i am a really lucky girl. 🙂

in other news, i’ve done some thinking about friends lately. i have realized that keri is a bad friend. she is rude to me and zachary, and assumes that just because i have a boyfriend, i am putting her on the back burner. is it my fault that she works all the time and goes to school, no? am i supposed to read her mind and know instinctively when she is not busy when she rarely calls me anyway? i think not. i’m not a fucking psychic you know. and to be honest, i am really really tired of being made to feel badly about myself because i don’t have a job, because i’m skinny, and because i’m not “as smart” as everyone else. i don’t have a job because nobody will fucking hire me, that’s not my fault. if i had it my way i would have a job because sitting at home all day while easy to do, is really fucking lame. and yeah, i’m skinny, but so fucking what. i can’t help what my body looks like and the anarexic jokes are getting old. as if i’m not self conscious enough already i have to deal with my so-called best friend ragging on my weight. thankyou. i appreciate it. and you know what, i am smart. no, i’m not majoring in anything uber fantastic at school, but i’m doing what i love and that is what is most important to me. and if you ask me, creative writing and philosophy aren’t exactly for stupid people. so really, i don’t want to be corrected about my opinions anymore. i don’t want to be told that “that’s not the way it is” anymore. i’m done feeling like i’m not smart enough, not good enough.

when i got my tattoo, i didn’t think it would be a big deal. yeah keri sara and i had talked about getting tattoos together, but i was unaware that it was such an important ordeal. i went when i had the money and someone to go with me, i was going to wait around for everyone else to be ready because by that time i wouldn’t have had the money or i would have chickened out. i love my tattoo, i absolutely refuse to feel bad about. and you know what? there was no reason for keri to go BEHIND my back to MY boyfriend and ask him to get her and sara a deal on theirs because he knows somebody, and then tell him that i’m not supposed to know about it. that’s just fucking childish.

speaking of childish, for someone who proclaims that they don’t like drama on myspace, keri sure is trying to stir some shit up. does she honestly think that i can’t read through the mocking tone in her about me, or read between the lines and find the insults to me in her bulletins? i’m not stupid. i’ve done my share of drama on myspace this winter, so i deleted her because i really don’t want to deal with it anymore. it’s not worth it.

and you know what, for someone who gets mad that we don’t hang out, she sure does hang out without me a lot. she’s always saying she’ll call me, but then i’m out with zachary and some of his friends, and who walks into the grind but keri and sara? maybe my phone is incapable of recieving calls, i don’t know. i distinctly remember inviting them to go bowling last weekend, but keri refused because matthew was going and she “hates” him (for no apparent reason). it’s stupid and hypocritical of her to expect me to call her all the time, when she never calls me. and then when she sees me at the grind, she blatantly ignores me. why should i make an effort? why does it always have to be me to make the move. that’s stupid.

i’ve figured out something about keri. she only wants people in her life who will completely depend on her. i’m not sorry that i have more friends now, or that i’m in a relationship. yeah maybe when i was with fredi i blatantly refused to hang out with her because i was being manipulated by his shit, but now, i’ve got someone who is willing to hang out with my friends but she’s not there. and when she is, she makes him feel like shit because she makes fun of his weight (what is with her and the weight thing, really?) but my point is that she’s mad because i don’t depend on her anymore. but sara does. sara doesn’t have anyone but keri. neither does chris who she is openly cheating on with some other kid who i’m sure will completely depend on her as well.

i feel sorry for anyone who ends up in my position. i feel sorry for keri that she has this need to control everyone and everything in her life. i feel sorry for myself that i didn’t realize this sooner. i feel really angry that this has happened. i’m finally feeling happy and content in my life, and she wants to make me feel bad about. that’s absolutely ridiculous. i don’t deserve that.

anyway, i know this won’t start any drama because she can’t read it. i’ve deleted her from myspace, from my phone, from livejournal, and facebook. i am done being in this so-called friendship that only makes me feel unworthy.