So She Speaks*

I hope that you can understand, that I just needed time. I had to take a break before I could say what I wanted to.

How does everything change, yet remain almost entirely the same? Riddles that I will probably never have answers to continue to roam my brain.

So where to start? I guess with me. I did go to therapy, and am still going. I feel like it is a slow process, but I am getting somewhere. After my first session my therapist did suggest that I meet with a psychiatrist for evaluation to determine if I needed antidepressants. It was no shock that after that appointment it was determined that I needed it, but it was still a very hard visit for me. During the course of my time on the couch, I cried a lot, and in the end when she asked me if I had any questions, the only one I had was, "Is it normal that this has lasted as long as it has?" In short, because of how long my depression and anxiety has lasted, it is now classified as clinical, and I might always struggle with this. But I am determined to stay on the path that I am, and put in the work both my therapist and psychiatrist are suggesting. We started my medication at 50mg, to which I felt little to no change, and when the medicine regulated in my system, I had a very bad week. At my next appointment, she decided to raise my dosage to 100mg. And that’s where I am at right now. Last week was pretty hard on me, and I am fearful that again, I am regulating, and that this dosage still will not be enough. Scott was afraid to say anything, but as soon as I said something, he agreed that he felt like I was going backwards. Overall, things are going well in this particular area, and so for now, that is all I have to say about that.

Scott and I are more than ok. We are happy. Our 7 year anniversary was at the end of February, and I feel like we are still on the high from that day. We spent the day at a local hot springs and spa. We started our day with breakfast, and then headed to the spa. It was a very simple, and peaceful day. We couldn’t have our cell phones with us so there were no distractions, and our time was spent focusing on each other as we jumped from spa to spa. We treated ourselves to a couples massage which was wonderful, and the spa has an open mud bath, which was more gross than soothing, but it was a lot of fun to do together, and I have to admit our skin felt wonderful afterwards. We also did this skin treatment in their underground grotto, which was warm and dark, and strangely very romantic. We stopped for dinner on the way home, and then went and got the kids. It was the longest amount of time I have spent away from Ian. When we were in the grotto, sipping warm tea, I told my husband that for that day, PPD didn’t exist. It was the first time I felt normal in almost 2 years. It was also before I started my medication, so it was a big deal to both of us. He really is doing an awesome job supporting me through my treatment, and I feel very blessed that he is my husband. He is really showing me that not only does he love me, but he chooses to and he is more than willing to fight for us. Of course nothing is perfect, and we still get on each others nerves from time to time. but we our progress is coming in leaps and bounds.

My children are great. Salem had another stellar report card, and more awards at school this quarter. She is reading everything in sight, and I am so shocked by her development with homework. She’s really growing up. Over Spring Break she told me that she wanted to have fun everyday. I wish I would have talked to my therapist about it ahead of time because she scolded me for it afterwards, but I did my best to grant that to her. I felt like she deserved after how many not good days she has had with me. We spent two days at Disneyland of course, and the other days I kept our time local, but fun. It felt good to have Scott say I was doing good job at keeping the kids busy, because I did it all without him. One day I took them to the splash pad at our mall, and Salem insisted she didn’t want to go in the water with Ian, but then changed her mind. She had a blast with him and I was really proud of her. I’m not sure what makes her not like getting wet, but it is almost like she is afraid of it, so going in and running and laughing, was really freeing for me to watch. Of course, Ian loved it. He’s my water baby. I’m not sure how he does it, but he actually swims in the bathtub, which sounds bizarre, but it is very true. He is nearly 19 months old now, and is ever much the little boy. He absolutely adores pirates and Toy Story. He carries a sword with him everywhere, and a Buzz Lightyear action figure. He watches Toy Story 1, 2, or 3 every day, and sometimes, all 3. At Disneyland 2 weeks ago, he got to meet Buzz Lightyear and the moment could have been in a TV commercial for Disney. It brought tears to my eyes, and about half of the people in line behind me as well. He tried to get Buzz to pick him up, which they aren’t allowed to do, but the hug they had was pretty awesome. He says about 30 words now, and is putting 2 to 3 words together to start expressing himself, which is awesome. As far as his kidney goes, we have an appointment on May 8th, and I will be updated on everything.

For Valentine’s day, Scott bought me tickets to see Paramore. I feel like I would have said this before, but in case you aren’t aware, Paramore is my favorite band. By the time Scott decided that was what he was going to do for me, the tickets to the shows in California were sold out, so he bought tickets for the Las Vegas show. This is on May 3rd, and I am way excited. The kids are coming with us, as well as my mom and brother, so that we can have a good weekend. I contemplated leaving them behind, but I am really not ready for that at all. I got a room at a resort that I used to stay at a lot with my family that is a time share, so I have no idea what they are doing renting out rooms, but its pretty amazing. I told my mom if she came with us, we would pay for her room, and this is more than what we wanted, as well as the price is perfect. Essentially our room is an apartment, complete with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, kitchen and dining area. It is not a casino so it is family friendly, and the pool is pretty amazing. There are 2 large adult pools, and a splash pool for kids. All three are brought together by a pyramid in the middle that has waterfalls, and 4 slides. I never stayed there as a kid, but I did as a teenager and have seen a lot of my cousins happy there, so I am really excited to play with my kids in the pool. I was able to get the weekend, for the price of what one hotel room would cost me anywhere else in Vegas that weekend, and bare in mind, we would have needed two rooms, for two nights. I’m hoping that at least for the night of the concert, Ian will sleep well with my mom, so Scott and I can be alone, and give me a chance to see how he does without me. I feel really comfortable that if he doesn’t do well, my mom can always come knock on the door and I can solve the problem very quickly.

Things at the house are going well. I’ve adjusted better, but still feel like there just isn’t enough room, and I am not always left to be an adult and make my own decisions. I’m not sure how long that is going to last though. My father in law is planning to retire this September, and Scott has gotten him to agree to selling the h

ouse. And from there, move out of state, to which, we will also be going. It looks like we will be moving to Georgia. And if I am being honest about it, I feel like it is actually going to happen. There has been a lot of stress over it, and I am not exactly happy about it, but I am willing. I just want the best life possible for us, and California just can’t give us what we really want. Why Georgia? Well, Scott’s company has it’s corporate headquarters in Atlanta, and they have all but pretty much told him he is more than welcome to switch coasts. That of course is the most important part of the equation, moving and knowing we will have income, there are other things as well. Like, Disneyworld, is only a 6 hour drive, Justin and Destiny in Nashville would be about the same, and Rachel and Nestor in Cleveland Tennessee, are only about 3 hours away. Of course for now, its all talk, but we are planning a trip this summer to feel the area out and look at places, and Scott has already started moving the wheels at work. So, we’ll see.

It would be impossible for me to catch up on everything that has happened in my life, and yours, but I will try. I wanted to upload pictures, but Photobucket is being a little crazy for me, so it will have to wait for now.